Sunday, December 18, 2016

I'll Be Home For Christmas

What a difference a day makes.  Earlier this week I took the time to tell Mr. Hopeful how sad and alone I've felt over the last two years, with him half in and half out of my life.  This has been a long time coming and part of why I moved.  My depression was so high after Mr. Charisma and while Mr. Hopeful tried to be a good friend and help me through that healing, he's really not the right person to help me.  I had to help myself.  I had to learn to love myself again and stop all the hating.  And to do that I had to really look at my life and see what or who was holding me back. 

Know what I found out?

That I was holding myself back, by choosing unavailable men to fill that void in my life where my husband used to fill.  You know it's easy to say yes when a well meaning, married friend, offers to help you with things around the house that you just can't do yourself.  It's just as easy to allow a friend to be that shoulder you need to lean on or ear to bend when you've had a rough day.  And while my friendship with Mr. Practical is exactly that with no ulterior motives on either side, I wonder if my friendship with Mr. Hopeful will ever be that.  I know deep down inside I hope it will be, but I just don't see it happening, on either side.  I think my feelings for him are too deep and too strong to just be his friend.  So after much deliberation and arguments inside my head and with him, over the last two years, I decided earlier this week to take a break.  I told him no communication until after we both get back from our Christmas and New Year's holidays.  It's a span of well over two weeks and I'm hoping by the end of it we will realize how much happier we both were without trying to force anything. 

It's been a strange two years with him.  After I got over the mind numbing pain of Mr. Charisma and the triggers from my past he awoke, I realized that wasn't the only reason I moved.  Nor was getting away from the Incarnations of Immortality and the constant reminder that I'm not welcome in their circle of friends anymore.  And haven't been for decades.  It's funny how in my heart I always would have welcomed them back with no explanations or apologies needed.  But there is and has been a huge riff and I'm not even sure why it's there.  It may be because of some of those poor choices I mentioned decades ago.  But time has moved on and changed me in ways they will unfortunately never know.  Ironically now that none of them have anytime for me I feel closer to the person they liked than the person they came to not like.  Mr. Selfish, my third husband, has even made the connection, that I'm stronger now again like I was back in the day, than I have been in the last few years. The other part was to get away from Mr. Hopeful and put enough distance between us to see if we had a friendship that transcended the physical.  Like Mr. Practical and I do.  Or like That Guy and I do. 

I've come to realize, after four days, a couple of important things.  The first is that I do miss watching shows or movies or football with him.  Either in person or long distance.  So that is something we may be able to build a friendship on.  I also miss telling him about my day or asking him about his and seeing if there is anything I can help with or that he can help me with.  And just being happy or sad together.  This is good but its also sketchy, because that falls close to the 'boyfriend' or 'husband' role, because we're not just friends.  And with him its harder than any other ex to separate that.  But I have tried.  For six years now, I've tried.  Which brings me to number two, how relieved I was when I told him.  Almost immediately after hanging up, I felt intensely sad, and then incredibly, happy.  Just relieved and happy that I wouldn't have to face another off line or message from him reaching out, and me feeling my heart go from "YEAH, to shit" within seconds.  Yeah, because it's him. And shit, because he's not mine to cherish.  And he never will be.

Three days after making this decision I felt the Christmas spirit.  I bought all my Christmas presents for all the kids I raised and am raising, and I even put up the tree.  Something I didn't love myself enough to do last year.  I've felt so good about this decision.  I've felt mom's presence even more once that tree was up.  I know in my heart of hearts that this is the right path, and while it's intimidating in the beginning it's smooth sailing once you get used to the challenging terrain.  It certainly isn't as boring as the rut of denial I was trapped in.   Goodbye Stranger by Supertramp keeps playing in the soundtrack in my head.  (cue music)