... In your darkest hours
Did you ever give it back
Well, I have
I have given that to you
And if it's all I ever do
I want you to know, that this is your song...
Writing....I'm writing again. Editing actually....or rewriting as we call it. I think it was Ray Bradbury who said, "Anyone can write but not everyone can rewrite." And Stephen King said, "Murder what you love." And they are both right. The second, or third draft of a work you are passionate about is a labor of love.
As I'm FINALLY feeling the connection again with Mr. Practical to edit my novel, I'm finding it easier than I thought it would be to basically start over. It's been two years of us fighting our feelings for each other and moving forward as friends, and trying not to discuss anything close to flirting. Its funny, but until he admitted to me that he wished he could have been the one to come with me to the concert with Mr. Hopeful last year, and that he hoped Mr. Charisma and I would work out so he forced himself not to flirt....that I realized how much his hiding his feelings effected his writing as well. I chose to hide mine when he married, that didn't mean they changed, I just chose not to act on them, and my writing suffered.
Now he's back in my life and the connection seems as strong, if not stronger than before, if thats possible. Our internet chats and video chats are becoming as strong a memory as being in the same room. Writers! Our imaginations are our curse, and blessing.
Now I feel an increasing impatience bouncing back and forth. One direction for a coming meeting that we hope will happen, but aren't holding our breaths; to finishing this novel as quickly as I can, so that when he disappears again I won't be stuck. Listen to me, still writing the end before I've lived it. Mr. Hopeful would shake his head at me. It's a sense of urgency that my life, as well as his, is moving on without them...my A Team. And while I know I will miss them all for different reasons, Mr. Practical seems to hit on all cylinders. I miss him in ever arena of relationships. None of the others come as close as he does to being a friend and confident as well as a lover. That means something very special to us both and why we can't say goodbye or just be friends. I wish it hadn't taken me two years to figure this out.
They say what is meant to be will be.
They also say if you love something set it free if its yours it will come back.
They also say treat others the way you want to be treated.
They also say life is short, live it to the fullest.
They say a lot....And it just makes it more confusing.
The only thing I know for sure is my days are not good days without him in them. And I know he feels the same way, He can't explain it anymore than I can. I've suggested he watch Same Time Next Year, a movie about two people who love each other so much that they don't want to mess up their lives but can't live without each other. Mistakenly it has been advertised as a movie about adultery, but it's so much more than that. It is a very personal love story that not everyone can relate to. But I can.
I wish I knew what the future held for me, it would make these decisions so much easier, but that's the journey, isn't? Thats the choices Fate puts in front of us. And my timing has never been good. Could be the lesson of my life....Timing is everything. I feel a day late and a dollar short in romance. And yet, I also feel surrounded by love. I guess I've finally climbed out of that deep dark hole I threw myself into after Mr. Hopeful and Mr. Charisma decided I was good enough to sleep with but not good enough to love enough to keep. I wonder how many times I will go through this before I find one that thinks I'm worth the fight. And that I feel the same way about. There's the rub. Its not that I haven't had men that thought I was worth the fight, but my timing didn't match theirs. Or was never there in the first place. Karma is a bitch. But I honestly believe I've paid that, more than enough. Especially when you add into it that the men I let go, are very happy now with their new wives, so it was the right decision. Perhaps it's not Karma, perhaps its just me. Picking the wrong men, or that timing thing again.
This requires more thinking, so I'm off to the beach....Lake Michigan shore, it's 89 here today, then gaming via the web with my kids and editing as well.
Cheers
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