This week the common thread in my life journey is communication. In some cases it's the lack of it, and in some it is just the right amount. Sometimes I wish we were less advanced and more like other animals in the world that can't talk. I love words but they get in the way. I watch people for their physical reactions to things I say, something my mom always taught me to do. And when the expression doesn't match the content of the words, the communication becomes muddled. And I find myself doubting the words in favor of the body language or the smiles that never reach the persons eyes, or any other tell that may give them away as hiding something. I still get taken in every once in a while by someone that I shouldn't just like you, but for the most part, if I follow my gut, I understand something may be wrong or a miss.
When I see something that doesn't match, I should leave it alone, but I usually don't. That is when I probe and ask questions, like, "What's wrong?" or "Are you ok?" When they confirm that nothing is wrong I usually assume that either the person doesn't want to talk about it, or that nothing is wrong and my 'bullshit' sensor must be off. But lately I've come to understand that it also may mean that the person may need to talk but doesn't know how. They may be afraid of confrontation, even when it's with a loved one, or someone they trust. This fear of confrontation is an alien concept to me. I have no choice but to leave that alone as I don't want to upset them further. But I can see that there is a problem and I want to help solve it. It's my nature. Not being nosey, just want to help. Especially if it involves me. Because if it involves me, then there may be a fault that I'm either working on, and the information would be helpful, or I'm missing and need to be made aware of. Unfortunately, most people are too polite to be honest in this area. I'm not. When I love someone I want to help make them the best person they can be, and I love them enough to tell them when they are hurting someone, or making a mistake, or being unfair to themselves, or others. Not to be disrespectful to equals, but like you would with a child that doesn't know any better, or one that is testing their limitations, (or yours). Sometimes even adults need reminders of when they are being unfair, or having double standards, or lying to themselves. Thats the hardest one to get most of us to admit. As most recovered addicts will tell you, lying to yourself is the part that keeps you hooked.
I know for the past four years I've been lying to myself and trying to be someone I wasn't so that I could find love again, feel accepted. What a colossal mistake of judgement, unfairness, and lying to myself all of that was. I had several loved ones, friends and family members who tried to question me,warn me, talk to me about who I was becoming, or even try to step in and save me from myself by insulting new friends of mine that they disapproved of. That last way was not the best way to confront me, but it was the way they did things. I don't hold it against them, I just can't trust them anymore. For a while I couldn't trust myself either. The life choices I was making were not for me. They were risky, or against what I would preach. Was talking the talk, but not walking the walk. My body language didn't match my words. Something I hate in others, well maybe hate is too harsh. I want to fix it. And yet I was doing it too.
You see, I'm one of those people that believes that my journey is mine. And the people that come along with me on it, for long or short periods of time, are just that, people that come along. They are on their own journey and I am honored when I can accompany them, or if they chose to accompany me. For that limited time, we are on a similar journey. But it is never the same. To me that is impossible. I am an individual. So are they. Even in co-dependent relationships they are still on their own individual journey.
This part of my journey is a road that is overgrown with massive amounts of weeds and brambles, and for me to continue without being choked by the weeds or cut by the brambles, I must prune them. It is a very slow and sometimes painful process, but in order for me to heal and grow, it must be done.
And while I often think of the ones that can no longer be on my journey with me, I know it is better for me, and as much as a very large part of me would still like to try to help them, or let them help me, I honestly believe we have tried long enough to 'fix' each other. Or perhaps since no one really needs fixing, a better term would be to help each other see where they could be healthier and happier and leading fuller lives. It may not appear like I take advice because it takes me a long time to put into action the advice I have received from loved ones and family, and yes lovers fit into this category too. Perhaps even more than family because they know me in a way that family never could. And my lovers have helped me greatly in discovering who I really am, as apposed to who I was, or who I may have recently pretended to be....hoped I could be....but sadly know I am not.
And perhaps it's not so sad after all. Perhaps it was just another part of my journey. My lessons in life.