Sunday, August 3, 2014

“When the sun has set, no candle can replace it.” ― George R.R. Martin

A good week, I really can't complain.  I am down to the last three chapters of my book in the second draft and I'm feeling both good about that, and sad, that soon I must let it go out into the world.  Artists!  We're a strange bunch.  I'm waiting on feedback from my editor on a good chunk of it, but after that, the last read through, and then I publish.  I need to get this one written and the characters out of my head, because I can feel other things that need to be written.  I just haven't decided yet if I'll make the next one another "fantasy/sci-fi" or if I'll make it a "tell all" or a "how not to book".  Lots of ideas floating around in my head and until I'm happy with one, I won't start or revisit any notes.

My headaches come and go, but so does my emotional state.  I'm coming into the dog days of summer, it has been a cooler and wetter one in Chicago for the most part, at least thats what the natives tell me.  And I'm ok with that.  The afternoon and evening showers fit my mood.  The dog days of summer always have me missing people I've let go, or that have let go of me.  Or both.  And it's a strange time of year for me.  When most people are out and about loving the last days of sun before old man winter wakes up, I'm one to hide away and write or think too much.  I know Buddha said, "Each day we are born again.  What we do today is what matters most."  Or something like that, and that's true and yet, why do I miss certain people so much?

Cryptic, eh?  Yes I know, but the one I miss has asked me not to write about him so...And the other one, well, we are doing well with our long distance 'friendship'  although, we both know its a sham.  And a shame.  Why are the choices we don't make so intriguing?    I know they believe I idolize them that I don't see their faults, but you see, when you are the mistress, you see all the faults as well as the virtues.  You have to, in order to take that plunge.  Other wise I'd just be a stripper or a prostitute.  A mistress is not the road I had set out on, and I will tell you that the first time you cheat is the hardest.  Everything after that, you become an expert at lying and loyalty, and honesty.  After all, most men that cheat still love their wives.  There are rare cases and I know a few, who have lost that love or believe it is gone forever or changed for the worse; and have a loyalty to their spouse that they don't want to be the bad guy, or they have some other vested interest, children or business shares, something.  But what they don't think about is what I had to think about with that first cheating experience on my second husband, with what would be my third husband.  They are very good at thinking about the sex and how it will feel to be in love (lust) again.  That first blush, the thrill of the chase.  What they don't think about is how selfish they are being to their wives.  Pretending, (lying) to them every night when they lay down beside them.  The wives feeling that they have the best man in the world, or if they are unhappy too, and lets be real, they are, they at least are working on the marriage.  In faith that their husband is at the least, being faithful.  How selfish is it to have a wonderful woman you loved enough to marry or have children with or start a business...a life with, and be so afraid of being alone or making your life a mess that you lie to that love.  That you keep her isolated from the truth of your heart.  Is that why you married her?  I don't think so.  What I had to face was that I didn't love my second husband enough or I never would have cheated on him.  Period.  I didn't say I didn't love him.  I said, I didn't love him enough.  Of course I didn't know that when I married him.  We never know our greatest loves until we meet them.  But to keep him tied to me and cheat over and over was not only cruel to me and my third husband, but to him.  You see I knew that he deserved to be loved with the honesty and depth that he is capable of loving.  And so I let him go to find that love.  Not so that he'd be happy, he was happy, so was I.  But once I cheated that was a game changer.   (And guess what, he did find her and we are all better friends for the honesty).

Why are they so afraid of change?  Why do they 'love me' but refuse to 'choose me'?  So I moved to Chicago, to take myself out of the equation and make it a real challenge to see me.  And yes, one still arranged a visit.  Even though I ran.  The other has always been a long way away so me moving around changes nothing.  I often wonder what would happen if I moved there.  But then I think about the first one, and I realize I've already lived that story, and as wonderful and painful as it was, I don't want to do that again.  I want a partner, a companion, an equal, an honest, loyal love.

I know if you have never cheated, you're reading this and fuming that I don't deserve that.  But you are wrong.  You have not walked a mile in my shoes and believe me, my first husband and my third cheated on me, or came so close that the fantasy love they had destroyed us.  Affairs of the mind can be just as damaging as affairs of the flesh, and ones that encompass both, like strippers for example, can be the most damaging.  Try to remember as you are reading, that I was a little girl full of hope and promise before my physical attacks.  Try to remember that I was someone's daughter too.  Try to remember that I didn't grow up with the ideal that I want to be a mistress when I go up.  I wanted to be a ballerina, or a mommy, or an astronaut.

Life is a strange and wondrous journey, and I have to say that while I'm not proud of all my choices I would not rewrite them.  Well, I might change a day or two from the past to keep me with someone I miss, but he knows that.  He feels that too.  But I wouldn't change the affairs.  They have made me who I am and I love myself and respect who I am today.  Try not to crucify me for my past.  It is past.  Just like yours.  Every day is a new beginning.