Sunday, November 23, 2014

You Must Unlearn What You Have Learned - Yoda

I recently discovered something about depression that I didn't know.  If you hang around all depressed people you get more depressed.  I know this sounds very basic but maybe thats why I didn't give it much credit.  It sounds too simple.  I have some friends that are depressed and I have some that aren't and I find that I get caught up in their moods.  It used to be worse, so I'm getting much better at it.  For example this last week I was supposed to meet Mr. Hopeful on line for a chat, and as you can guess he was late, so late in fact that I'd given up on him showing at all and when he did he had a typical excuse.  Horrible day, no sleep, had to go to work, and so forth.  Now I'm not saying I don't believe him, I absolutely do.  What I am saying is that this time, it didn't anger me or make me depressed or lower my self worth.  This time, I took the disappointment like a normal adult human and really understood.  I didn't let myself get depressed, hell I didn't even feel sad.  In fact the closer and closer it got to the time he was supposed to meet me the more and more I hoped he wouldn't come.  I think this is very important personal growth.  I felt guilty and slutty, instead of excited and that rush of love that I usually feel when about to see him.  Something about the way we were meeting felt wrong.  Not us.  Too desperate.

But which kind of personal growth is it?  Is it me just being really scared of repeating disaster and doing the same thing with him that I did with Mr. Practical?  That really made me lose a lot of respect for him and we haven't spoken even as friends in over four months.  And I don't miss him in my life in the way I thought I would.  Or is it that I just don't want to see Mr. Hopeful, even on camera, if I can't have him? Hum...there's a thought.  Am I afraid that would depress me?  I know I've been med free for four months and I don't want to go back to that state.

Last night I tested the video thing with That Guy, and all was well.  Of course we only chat.  No danger of any funny business so no guilt and it was great to laugh and game with him long distance.  And plan my holiday visit up there.  Which I hope I get to do.  That's just a whole other kettle of fish I don't want to open, but leave it to say that I'll be there if I can find a place to crash.  First Son is working on it.  I'll be disappointed if he can't find a way to put up his ma.

So maybe I've come to the conclusion that I'm camera shy with anyone that I know intimately.  Perhaps I'm not as slutty as I was thought to be.  Perhaps I'm truly am finding my way back to who I was.

I have five days off for Thanksgiving and only have plans on turkey day with First Daughter.  I believe I will use the rest of the vacation time to game on line or build a lego Death Star.