Sunday, January 11, 2015

Hospital, Tests And Not The Best Coffee

And here I sit in the hospital room of my First Daughter.  You heard me right.  She is sleeping, and I am going to try and blog some of this worry away so that I can be strong for her.  I love her so.  And I hate to see her in so much pain and confusion.  Not knowing what is causing her pain is the worst part, and yet also at this time, we know nothing so we still have so much hope that it’s not cancer, but something is growing, and in the last five days as gone from nothing to the size of a small egg, at the base of her collar bone and neck.  Right were there is a joint (could be inflammation) and a group of lymph nodes, (could be cancer) or a tumor, or a cyst that has grown and broken her clavicle.  The doctors just don’t know yet, and the biopsy, which they admitted her to take, yesterday evening after 5 hours in the Er, has still not been done, nor do I know if it’s been scheduled yet.  All I do know is my daughter has a day at least, of tests in front of her and she had the blood, urine and CAT scan in the ER yesterday. The only thing we know for sure is that they are leaning away from cancer because she has no cancer symptoms, and the CAT scan looked more like a cyst then a tumor.  Not as conclusive as any of us want.  I wish I had more information.  I want answers to questions that no one has the answer for….yet.  And I’m so hopeful that I’ll be very relieved by the end of the day.

I just finished chatting with Mr. Hopeful, he has been unusually supportive, and available, but that is due to his life, I’m sure.  But it warms my heart that he cares enough to respond to my frantic posts about my worry.  Shows he cares.  Doesn’t erase the fact that I wish he were here with me physically. It does count a ton that he is emotionally, but I’m selfish.  And in a time of need I want what I can’t have.

The Oncologist was just here and said that it was premature for him to be called since the radiologist hasn’t been here yet to do the tissue sample, or the bone doctor to check out the bone.  But he wanted to reassure us of what it could and couldn’t be and thinks the only reason she is in the hospital is to expedite this, since she doesn’t have a regular doctor.

I know she needs me here, but at the same time I think she needs me to be invisible and let her handle this and not be her mom.  That is very difficult.  But I think I can do that.  The questions I ask the doctor are important questions and I will ask them.  I just won’t ask them in front of her.  She isn’t ready to hear the answers, and I understand that fear.  Its the same fear that keeps me from going to the dentist until I can’t stand it anymore, or waiting to see the doctor until I almost can’t get there on my own.

If you read this and find that you have some time to waste today, think of chatting with me.  I’m in need of getting out of my head with this worry and talking about anything else.