Have you ever been so content with your life that you started to wonder what was going to go wrong? I do that all the time. Creating my own stress is what my mother used to call it, being a worrywort. I try to quiet my thoughts, but I usually have to distract myself with a good book or movie or TV series. Maybe a video game. They usually work too. Wine is good. But too much of that and I'm left in a fog of comfortable numbness. Not a completely undesirable state and certainly not the most productive. I'm not one of those people that can function under any influence.
But some days you just need to relax. Learning how to quiet my mind without drink or prescription drugs took me many years. And many failures in life. And one breakdown. I come back to my breakdown quite often in this blog because it's something many people with depression and anxiety worry about. Having a complete breakdown. The self talk goes something like this: "I can't lose it! Who will take care of my family? What if I lose my job? What will everyone think? ". Sound familiar? You're not alone. I still sometimes worry about these things but not nearly as much since I let it go and fought down the inner demons that were chasing me. The ones I'd hidden from in my youth. The ones that plagued me throughout my young adulthood and made it next to impossible for me to have a lasting trusting relationship with any man. Because in my fractured mind men were a dangerous species that if you didn't do what they said and be a good girl, rape was the punishment.
Some of us are submissive by desire other by design. I was not by choice. But learned how to avert my eyes, walk quietly but quickly, become invisible and not say what's really in my mind. Because I spent many years trying to fit into an unnatrual mold as a scared and confused child, I can recognize almost instantly, a child in an unhappy life. And I also speak my mind too much as an adult. As if since the breakdown I've discovered that I can disagree and wont be "punished" for that. You have to understand that when the punishment is something unthinkable, losing a friend over a disagreement is nothing in comparison. People think I have a hard heart because I can let go of relationships that have lost their meaning or give me nothing in return, and maybe my past has given me that strength to walk away from anything that isn't causing me joy. I mean what other power do we really have as adults with each other? You can't change anyone else. So the most you can do is have the strength to walk away if you aren't happy, right? And you only have that power as an adult. Children can't run away because when they do its usually into an entire world of more scary problems.
The best self talk sounds the most cliché. But it's true. You have to believe in yourself. However you do that. Weather it's through the belief in a God or just in yourself. You have to be able to believe your inner voice of reason. The breakdown's come when you can't believe it, hear it or even say it to yourself anymore. Those are the times when we can't even reach out for help. Often I'll see a post from a friend of a friend about being lost or scared or alone and I'll always comment with something positive but secretly I'm happy they can still reach out. You see this is why suicide is so surprising to the loved ones. Because when people are deciding to do it, they get really happy right before because they know their problems are almost finished. Because once they are dead the problems stop. And if they have come to grips with death and aren't afraid of it, or are planning it, they become at peace. The people that discuss it often are still ok, but need help. You see they are still deciding. And want to be talked out of it. So please if you have a friend who is quite often depressed or even chatty and they become quiet, check on them. Force them to talk. You may be the one person that changes their minds. For me it was Mr. Practicle and Mr. Hopeful that listened to my mind as it snapped and was glued back together. And even though to some extent they represent poor choices for love, for me, they have become good friends and life savers.
Friends ask me why I even talk to them anymore and this is why. Not just because of history or friendship but because in my darkest moments they were still here. Listening. And trying to understand and help me keep it together. Sometimes your best counselors are the ones you've disagreed with the most. Maybe it's because we've seen each other in our best and worst times. That we understand who we really are. We see past each other's demons. Even the ones we may still be fighting. And those friends you hold on too. Even if it's sometimes painful. Life is pain. So is love. But without love life is meaningless.