Every Sunday I get up, and I make some coffee and I open up my blog and look at the white page before me and wonder 'What should I talk about this week?'
There always will be political issues that effect our human rights, or terrible disasters both man made and not, to debate or discuss. But I become exhausted quickly, and not just by the thought of the naysayers, but with trying to get all my thoughts wrapped around all the 'evidence' coming from the media. I know giving up is just what they want us to do, but sometimes it's just too much to sort through, and even in some cases believe. Watching my country quickly change after decades of warnings from Martin, Robert and John. It really does seem like our hope for a better future for all of us, and our innocence died with them. But the more I think about the Big Money that has controlled our country and has our poverty and working poor in a death grip, while the middle class has joined the ranks of paycheck to paycheck living, the more angry I get. This is not the world my parents wanted to bring me into, and it's not the life I wanted for my kids either, but here we go. Third generation working poor. Had the Kennedy's and King lived I wonder if we would be any better off, or if our blind following of such charismatic leaders would have doomed us to an even scarier unforeseen fate. Who knows. But it's interesting to debate.
Unfortunately, the internet is not the place for intelligent debate. How sad. We are connected by the most ingenious world wide web of information and what do we use it for? Most of us don't use it for the information. I have three Facebook friends that actually use it to try to educate, with their hobbies. Two are married to each other (Darth Vader and his wife) and post many articles on their SCA events and interests in that time period and the other is my best friend (She of Little Combat Boots) and she posts about food nutrition which is a passion of hers. And what do I do with my big brain? Post cute pictures of the kids I nanny for and update friends on what I'm watching....wow...that's enlightening.
Why am I not using my Facebook and my blog only for the things that I'm passionate about? I guess in a way I am. Sometimes when I blog and I'm free writing like now, I'll stumble upon an idea and run with it. When it touches a friend personally, and they reach out to me and thank me for it, my heart swells when that happens. I feel less alone in the world and happy that what I hope is a positive and uplifting blog, helped someone else. It's hard to be positive and uplifting when your passion is about surviving rape and abuse and how it has effected every choice in your life. But I do try. Because I have survived and for those still struggling, I need to help them know they are not alone in what they are feeling and that they are not crazy. Or broken. As I have so often been accused of by men who were quite broken themselves.
So when I sit here and write I'm writing to you. Because you are my hero. You got out of bed this morning, no matter how hard that was, and you are trying to overcome all the demons and voices that tell you you can't. And you are beating them. You beat them every time you get out of bed. You beat them every time you go to work or get your house cleaned or do you chores. You beat them every time you don't reach for that pipe or that drink or whatever it is that you think helps you get through the night, or day. It's all a crutch. Now I'm not saying you can't have some social fun, but there is a big difference between social fun and waking up every morning to a pipe or a bottle.
For me, if you can, today, try it without anything to numb yourself. Unless it's a prescription and you're under a doctors care, let it go. I'm a big believer in psychiatry and learning coping skills, because it helped me. And meds to help you curb your anxiety or depression also helped, but they are temporary. Sooner or later you do have to learn how to do it without the pills, in most cases. Those of you that know you will be on meds for life know who you are and can ignore that part. We are all so lucky that we can afford our meds. So far. I see so many homeless and for most of them, they just need meds and they could be a functioning part of society. And I shudder at how close I could have been had I not had state assisted insurance during my break down.
Just try to remember to look outside. Look up. Keep your eyes open and breathe. The easiest things can be the hardest when you are dealing with PTSD or any fear and flight triggers. Most of what we fear isn't real in the moment. And once you can get past the fear you can control it. Don't let it control you. Cheers.