Sunday, July 2, 2017

You're Own Worst Enemy

It will be the fourth of July soon.  A traditionally explosive time of year for me personally.  Pun intended.   And one, that since my move to Chicago, has been put to rest.   Which I'm happy and grateful for.  Most people have a time of year that is hard for them.  Could be because of a tragedy that they could not control, or maybe even an act of God that changes their life forever.   But for me it was a powder-keg of a situation, that in my youth and selfish pride, I had to light a match to.  And in the end broke not only my own heart but three others.  Yep three.  Just over thirty years ago I made some rash choices, mostly out of fear and regrets, that set me on a path of discovery.   That path has not been easy and for most of it, with the exception of my wonderful children, it's been alone.  Oh I've had relationships.  Bad ones.   And I've had times when I thought Fate was on my side.   But I was wrong.  Knowing what I know now I'd do it all again to have my kids just the way they are, but that's not what this blog is about.  If you know me at all, you know that already.

No.  This is about me trying to do what most of my friends would say is 'Get over it.  It's been thirty years'.

Not saying they are wrong. Just that they have had a different journey, perhaps.

For you see, to them I'm a nice, older woman, who seems to have lived a great life full of experiences and always has an opinion on what to do.

Not saying they are wrong.  For I changed so much in that time.

Karma is an interesting event to watch unfold.   I'm sure you've had your share of cheering silently in your mind or out loud when someone, like me, has hurt you and gotten what they rightfully deserved. And it's true what they say about evil coming back on you ten fold.  For in the thirty years since that fateful day, when I hurt the young heart, too inexperienced to love me in the way he believed he did; and I hurt the more experienced heart that truly loved me.  (Thank the fates that he found real and true happiness in my wake). But, I eventually was the architect of my own karma. By choosing, once again, the worst choice of the three before me.  (This has been my life curse.  To always be part of a triangle of love and pick the person most like me.  The most broken.  Instead of the strongest.  I guess birds of a feather really do flock together, even if the best for you, is the opposite that attracts.).

But as I said, I would do it again, because not to would erase one of my children. And I couldn't EVER want that.

So here I sit.   Wondering when the fates will stop putting this choice before me.  And I believe, since my move away from any possible temptations and my self imposed exile to solitude, I have finally beaten her.   If I can't make the right choice, I shall remove all choices from me.

It's always best, in the end, to dungeon up the real monsters.  Because then they can't hurt anyone else.  And truth be told, I'm much happier without the guilt or the temptation to give into my own selfish needs.  While I grow and learn from my mistakes in life, I can't help but wonder, if they wonder, if I've had enough bad karma; or if they truly still wish in their heart of hearts that I still suffer as they did.

Since I still hope the worst for all the men that came after, that did to me what I did to the three of them, I can only say that my real test of karma is forgiveness.   Well, it's easy to forgive some of them.  But painfully hard for me, to this day, to forgive them all.  Completely.  Two or three are still chained up in my mind being slowly tortured by life.  And, much like you, if you're reading this and I happened to have hurt you in the past, I secretly enjoy their 'bad luck'. As I'm sure you enjoy mine.  And hope that as they experience their own karma, from my hurt, that it lessens my own bad luck.

I know.  I know.  "Karma doesn't work like that." I can hear you already saying it to me.  But you know what?  We make our own reality.  And in mine, it does work like that.  The more good choices I make the better my life has become.  And I can't ignore that fact, when I compare my past to my present. 

I hope this fourth of July won't find me in the company of any of my past.  Either on line, in life or in my head.  That last one is the hardest to control, for my head is always buzzing.  Anxiety sucks.  But if you have to have it, I guess I'm glad that mine manifests itself with rage instead of being paralyzed with fear, or unable to get out of bed and do my work.  You see I get angry.  I plot revenge.  And I leave your life.  I don't forget.  And sometimes, I don't forgive either. 

This is the real problem.  Because if I can't forgive you, how can I forgive myself? 

Cheers, and Happy Fourth.