Rearranging my studio, and shopping later today for some additions, is helping my wanderlust. I am now nesting in for winter, and looking forward to visits from both my grown children this month and next Also She of Little Combat Boots and her family are taking a trip to Chicago and I am one of the reasons to make it a family vacation. End of September and October promises to be full of fun and surprises and I can't wait.
And it also just goes to show you that when you are feeling your most vulnerable and alone, life can sometimes show you just how wrong you are. And I love that about life. The unexpected changes. I know sometimes they seem to be horrible changes, but when I reflect upon my past, I understand how all of them led me to a brighter future.
Some people who believe in religion would call that faith or the presence of a higher power that is gently, or not so gently, guiding you to where you should be. Others might say you are always where you should be. I personally feel that it's just Fate. Life is like a big ocean and you have to learn to swim at an early age. It's a sink or swim existence. The wheel of life constantly turning. Like a giant Ferris wheel. When you're up, enjoy the view because you will be at the bottom again. But when you are at the bottom try not to be sad or depressed because you will rise up again. (Ferris Wheel, and Ferris Bueller....Now HE know how to live life in the fullest....I wonder if that name connection was on purpose...discuss)
It's hard to remember this and enjoy life in the present. To try to give life the opportunity to be wonderful every moment that you are awake. Life has it's own demands on our time. Some might feel unfair demands of work over pleasure. But it's, unfortunately, the way our society chosen to grow up. And now we are so ingrained in working for a living, that we have forgotten how to live. Our down time becomes more precious to us than the all mighty dollar that we work so hard to achieve.
So when a family member or friend decides to spend some of that time with me, I am overjoyed and honored. Because I know how precious that is. When I was younger I used to get jealous over the time friends would spend with other friends, without my inclusion. And at times I would try to force myself into the event. So sad. So alone. And you'd think as an only child I would have been used to being alone. It has become my natural state. But I believe when I was younger I did this because I didn't want to be alone. I wanted siblings and children and a large family in my future. I got the children. I never did get the siblings, even though I gave the honor to 'brother' or 'sister' to many in my past. That honor was never really accepted in the vein that it was given, and the ones I chose to bestow it upon, proved unworthy of my love or acceptance as 'family'.
So reluctantly, I moved on, and eventually, in my forties, stopped adopting friends as family. And had to realize the heartbreaking truth that the ones I had, didn't really return the affection, and abandon them. Leaving is not something I do well, even-though I do it often. Being alone I don't have to ever face that again. I wont let myself down the way others have. So the friends I have chosen to keep or the new ones I try to make, are not only very special to me, but I understand now how special I must be to them as well. Or they would be gone by now too.
Look upon your life with the eyes of a child and be amazed at all you see. For you will only see it once in that way. And once you start to see the world with a jaded and cynical view, it is very hard to change that lens.
Cheers
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