Sunday, September 3, 2017

Are Secret Affairs Good For You?

Why are adult, human relationships so difficult?  Were we truly made to be with one person forever?  I've had my share of marriages fall apart, that I truly thought would last forever.  And I've watched friends who I thought would be together forever, fall apart.  And it makes me wonder if the fault is not our nature but our society of what is considered to be acceptable and what is considered to be taboo. 

For example, to me it would seem more honest and respectable, to both parties, to have an open marriage than to lie to each other and cheat.  But society would reward the cheater for not getting caught, while thinking nothing of the deceits told to the loved one to actually get away with this behavior.  Wouldn't it be wiser, to be able to express your love when love comes knocking, freely without guilt; than to express it under the cloak of secrecy and lies?  Or to not express it at all and always wonder or regret not having the experience?

Statistics say that finances split partners up more than anything.  However in my lifetime I've never heard a couple say that they split up because of debt.  I have heard over and over again about infidelity.  Weather brought about by an addiction like alcohol or drugs, or just a person, that by their nature, isn't able to love only one person in this world of possibilities.

It takes a special person to be able to not get jealous over this mindset.  I haven't been that person in the past, and being single now, have no idea if I would be, if in a relationship now.  I can only speak to what I do know about myself and that is that I divorced two men for cheating on me rather than try to work through it, and discover if it was a real threat to what we had, or an addition to what we felt.  Most affair last three months.  Mine tend to last more like three years or more.  Three years or more of lying and being together in secret is not an enjoyable experience and it destroys the initial attraction.  It also can make you psychically ill, as well as mentally.  Causing nervous breakdowns and self hatred which is a destruction of an already fragile ego.  Living a double life is stressful and stress kills.  Because love is not meant to be experienced in secret, whispered about or denied.  Love is meant to be shouted from the rooftops for all to hear and be happy in your good fortune.  Love is meant to be celebrated and shared with all your family and friends.  Love will not be denied no matter how far you run away from it.  It always catches up to you and makes you ache with longing.  Love makes you afraid of death for you never want your loved ones to die.  Love can also make you selfish and jealous if you love for the wrong reasons.   For example, getting married because you don't want to die alone is the wrong reason.  We all die alone.  We all face death alone.  Even with someone holding your hand in the end, if you are lucky enough to die in bed, you are still experiencing death alone.  If you weren't we'd know what happens after. 

I wish I'd been smarter in my twenties.  I wish I'd had the experience I have had in my fifties, so I could tell my young, hurt, and possessive self what not to do.  But I can only watch my friends make the same mistakes I made and smile and wait and hope they will ask me, "What would you do?"  Which they rarely do.  So I tell stories of my past.  Not to brag or to hear myself talk.  I talk about my failures in the hopes that they will not make the same mistakes I've made.  But I've found most don't listen.  Most know more than I do, or think they do.  Don't we all?  Or they have already made up their minds and my sage advice falls upon deaf ears.  The older I get the more I find that my parents knew a lot more about life than I ever gave them credit for when they were alive.  I hope my children will come to this realization before I die.  My friends may never understand it or be able to put my lessons into practice. 

But life is a journey we also take alone.  Even if we are in one or more relationships, we still are alone inside our heads and make up our minds by our own individual experiences.  So it shouldn't surprise me that my more experienced friends could only smile and watch me make mistakes and hope I'd ask 'What would you do?" 

Cheers

No comments:

Post a Comment