Last Sunday I talked in anticipation of smudging my apartment with sage, and casting a spell with music to force me to feel, and let go, and then bless my space. This sound so strange to me, even as I'm typing it. But it was fun, and interesting and I was able to experience all of my anger, memories, hurt, love, and release the negative emotions that blind you when you have to leave someone you love. This is such a good exercise, and part of what She Who Wears Little Combat Boots, would refer to as shedding, or to shed. Most of you follow me on facebook and will no doubt have seen status of mine that reference this 'shed' or 'time to shed'. And it's the part of the healing process that usually takes the most time, the part that your friends and family will say, 'Hang on, it gets better.' And they are right, of course, it does get better. But sometimes we find ourselves in a place where we can't see that it will get better, and we need a push. This ritual was my push, and it opened my heart and mind up to the possibilities of just letting him go with love. And now that I have done it I realize just how difficult it truly is to let someone really go, with love. In the past I've let many men go, but all of them with some kind of regret attached, or anger, or jealousy, or even pity....but never really with love. I think the closest I came to this was the one right before this one, so maybe I'm getting better as I get older in forgiving....I don't know....but forgiveness is the largest part of it. And it's not what you think...it's not about forgiving them.....it's about forgiving yourself.
See that's the hard part and that's the part that really seals the deal. You forgive them quicker than you think you do. The minute you care what they are doing or feeling, you are forgiving....or you wouldn't care. Even if it hurts because they have left you. You can still be angry as you are forgiving, but you do that first.
Really forgiving yourself for the mistake. The little voices in your head that prod you by saying, 'I can't believe I fell for this guy again.' or 'How could I trust him again?' or 'Did I really just fuck myself over again....when will I learn?.' or the worst one, 'Why am I not good enough? Why didn't he choose me?' (I hate that voice.)
When you get to this part you can really let him go with love, because you are forgiving yourself and finally in a calm, positive place.
And once you are there, the universe opens up. You start living your life instead of his. You start to surround yourself with people you enjoy, because guess what, they are happy and living life too. You start to realize that you have so much to give, so you get out and start giving. And once your heart opens up to give, it will surprise you how many people you meet that want to give back to you. My example is this weekend. Only one short week after I performed this ritual to cleanse my mind and spirit, I was out with my friends for a weekend of Pat McCurdy concerts. Friday night at a local establishment, and Saturday night we took a 3 hour road trip to a neighboring state. Friday night the universe opened up and dropped a surprise right in my lap. Several offers, and one I accepted, and it was a beautiful experience. Fortunately I was in the right space to accept, because I was open and loving myself. And what they say is true, you cannot love anyone else if you do not love yourself first. Love has many faces, and right now I know I'm not in love with anyone....well, except maybe myself. And perhaps this is exactly what I have needed all along.