Sunday, November 24, 2013

Do We Stay Out Of Love Or Duty?

 A black and white photo on Post Secret caught my eye this morning.  The post card was of a little girl handing a colored on red flower to a sobbing little boy.  It read:  "So maybe you're a little more messed up than what I had bargained for...that doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring for YOU."  Then you turned it over and it said, "I'm not going anywhere."  

I instantly feel in love with the person that had to express this because its often where I believe Mr. Charisma is with me.  And sometimes, if I'm honest, where I am with him.  I know it will hit many of you in many different ways, but I got joy out of it more than pain.  A commitment, or resolve to try just a little bit harder with him than I have with any other man, because I love him.  Because the good is so much better than any bad that we have.  

I have some friends out there, that shall remain nameless, who are in relationships where this is also true.  This feeling of helplessness about being in love with someone who is a bit broken and might need some extra understanding or care, every once in a while.  I have a couple of friends, who within the last couple of years have been very open with their intimate lives with me, and made me aware that the daily struggle to remain sane, and themselves, while trying to care for their mates ever changing emotional situations.  I try to advise, hopefully without too much 'I told you so' and joke with them to see if it is just a passing thing, a phase, if you will, as in hormonal; or if it is something much more serious, like a constant state.  If they don't laugh at my highly improper joke or defend their mate when I fall into "I told you so"-mode, I can only assume they are miserable.  Especially since they both can be sarcastic and have very good senses of humor.   

And in defense of love, they stay with their mates.  I can only assume that even though I'm only hearing the 'bad day' or the 'bad moment', that overall, their situations MUST be happier than I had originally believed.  When I asked them, "Why they stay?"  I get everything from, "I love her" to "The kids" to "If this marriage fails, I'm done with relationships," to silence.  Some of those sound like love, some sound like duty.  

I can't imagine staying with anyone out of duty.  Love I get.  Love I strive for.  Love is easy when its right, or at least the good times make the bad ones seem less important.  Sometimes now when I think of early on disagreements we may have had, I can't even remember why we fought.  Some are still big ones we are working through, but we are working through them.  I think that is normal for where we are in our relationship.  This chapter of my life is moving much slower than any of my past ones.  And I'm really happy about that.  I know sometimes I may seem frustrated by it, but in reality I'm not.  I think I need to see what a normal dating relationship is like.  Something that takes time to grow and is not force-fed a dose of commitment before the deeper love has been achieved.  Something that can only take place with time together.

I've said it once and I'll say it again.  When two people really are in love, they want to spend all their free time together.  Now while I know this is impossible, it does not erase the fact of the FEELING being there.  When I miss him, I miss him fondly.  It is rare now, that I miss him and wonder what he's up to.  Or who he is with.  Or if he is with someone else.  As an only child who is use to getting what she wants when she wants it, it is a new reality for me to have to wait and see.  And to live the journey instead of being so preoccupied on getting to the end... Getting to a label.  

So I'm trying a new mindset.  It's something I came up with all by myself, and I think it will be a huge fad.  I'm trying not to care about what may happen, and have  How's that for a shocker?  Have some faith in myself, and him and what we feel and that everyone else will come around, with time.