Sunday, November 17, 2013

Is My Journey Starting To Scare Me?

I'm discovering some new habits in my life in the last few months.  It's almost impossible to put a 'time stamp' on it, as my love would say, but I know its been longer than a few weeks.  And they all started cropping up at once.  Its as if, a switch has been flipped inside me, and all of a sudden, I'm finding myself, stronger, less afraid, and more confident and determined to be understood, than ever before in my life.  And I owe this awakening to Mr. Charisma.  I understand what it means now, that feeling of loving someone so much that you want to be a better person, the best you, when they are around.  Meeting him, and getting to know him over this last year, has been so healing, and miraculous in its discoveries.  The ways that I am changing and the me that I am getting to know, is a part of myself that I have kept hidden from most of the world, and shown to only the person I most love at the time.  I have come to realize that saving some of my best parts for only that special person, is wonderfully romantic, but denies the rest of the world, half my personality....the best half, in my opinion.  But I believe I do this from past hurts, low self esteem, and great fear of rejection.  (writer/actress....go figure).

Through my journey in life, so far, I have found myself on many a path that was difficult at first and slowly, with discussion and understanding, and sometimes heavy cranes, a smoother path is reviled, and easier way to continue.  In my distant past, always with a companion, in the more recent past alone, or with a sometimes companion.  I know our timing sucks, but our hearts are not being denied this time.  In spite of our differences, we are drawn to each other, and together find a peace that no one else can help us achieve.  A sure safe-haven of trust and almost complete honesty.  And I mean that as a huge compliment because I believe no one can be completely honest with another person.  Hell, sometimes we aren't even honest to ourselves.

I am quickly coming to the part of my journey with this man, where I am really starting to take shape in the directions I want to go, and the way with him is feeling less and less complicated.  This honesty came at a huge price, but I think, in the end, it will be worth it.  I have felt strong connections like this before, connections that I felt could stand the test of time, distance, love, divorce, life, and still be connected.  Maybe not as strongly as when entwined, but still a thread of respect, hope and the unconditional love that forgiveness brings.  I know no matter what happens with him from this day forward, we will be in each others lives somehow.

And as much as I wish I could let myself be swept away by this man, I am still, a year later, keeping one foot on the ground.  Call it lack of trust, call it broken, call it CGB, call it whatever you want, but I am going to protect myself.  And somehow be understood.

Wish me luck.