I've spent a lot of time on this blog reflecting on my patterns and how I've repeated some that just are not healthy. I'm not perfect by any means but I do feel like I continually get better at the issues I'm trying to improve. I have my moments of back sliding. I love to talk and discover what is hidden in our psyche. The things that make us who we are, especially with people I love. When I discover a difference in a stranger I don't really care. I might for a customer try to empathize enough to build report, but not really delve into the why's or care as deeply as I do with a man I'm in love with.
With my current love, we have a lot of differences, see life very differently. This is both a fascinating and painfully dangerous. For when certain topics are brought up, and we can't agree on the motives or reasons why, or emotions behind actions, it can be very hurtful for the person that felt wronged or hurt, What I didn't realize with him, is that he gets even more hurt by disappointing me. I'm sure other men in my past may have felt this, but none have been able to express it to me the way he has. I have hurt him in ways I can hardly comprehend. And it has been good for me, for I am seeing it, perhaps for the first time in my life and am trying to make changes that stop hurting him. And I think I'm making great strides. But it doesn't matter. Guess why?
He doesn't forgive. He holds on to negative impressions and lets go of all our positive ones, and holds a grudge. Not one that is final, but one that slowly tears him apart until he has to leave to find some new happy. This is the exact same pattern for him in his relationships. This is not for me. So I'm growing in this relationship, even if he can't see it or feel it or believe it will last. And he is stagnant.
He used to feel like being with me was 'coming home'. He shared with me last night that he doesn't feel that anymore and he's not sure when it changed. He had a similar feeling five weeks ago when he tried to break up with me. So I'm back to walking on eggs. I wonder why he even keeps trying when all I can see for a future with him now, is heartbreak of repeated patterns that will end up disappointing him. I can't be a disappointment in love. I must be the joy he can't want to come home to. And if he has lost that, then he has lost what brought him to me. He says he is chipping away at it and is hoping for a big break. Aren't we all? Don't we all chip away at the things that block our paths? That make our lives a struggle or that we don't understand, until we have a moment of clarity? I hope he finds his big break. The great nurturer that I am is tied up in a corner of my mind, and gagged, because I can't trust her not to coddle him. And while I know he needs that, so do I. And while I know I have to give that, I wonder why? Will I give him everything he needs just to find out that it's still not good enough for him? That he will still not trust the sex? Still not trust the love because it was too fast, too deep? He wants me to fall into him with abandon, and yet he can't get swept away? That's not fair, and not right. But it is who he is. And I love him. So I'm left with trying, growing and hoping that we can grow together but fearing that we will grow apart, just like they did, only much quicker.
I can also see us very old and very happy together, walking hand in hand and discussing everything we know. And this feels right and true, and worth every minute of the issues about sex that, frankly at our ages, won't matter much longer anyway. Not in the scope of the many, years I hope to have left with him. I can't bear the thought of being just another sweet gal he gave a piece of his heart to that didn't work out.
I have much to work on. I hope he wants me around while I am.