Sunday, January 19, 2014

Still Angry And Fighting The Hate

It has been an interesting week.  Only two days into group therapy and I feel a lot better being surrounded by good people going through the same issues as myself.  Lost, trying to find a way to cope with the depression that attacks out of no where and the anxiety that can build up from nothing into the fuel for feeding fear and giving you CGB (Crazy Girl Brain) or SBB (Stupid Boy Brain).  I think the depression meds are starting to kick in because the last two days I have felt really happy and calm.  Not worried about anything really, and if something does cross my mind that I need to do,  like balance the check book or clean the apartment, I either just do it, or I let it go,  but I DON'T constantly obsess with it.  This is good.  This morning I woke up really shaky until I took my anxiety meds.  I think that was a normal state before...a feeling of 'gotta get everything done right now....'  I waited until too long this morning to take it.  But now I feel less pressured to get everything done now.

I'm taking back my Saturday and Sunday, and yesterday my daughter and I went to see August Osage County, deserves every award it was nominated for.  Should have gotten more.  I've only seen 12 Years a Slave and Gravity of the best picture noms so far, but I still have time.  I would highly recommend August Osage County if you love strong female characters and realistic look at addiction,   and abuse.  Was hard for me to get through some of the abuse scenes, but good for me too.  Triggers.

Today at 11 o'clock I have an hour massage scheduled so that I can be pampered and touched.  I miss being touched and caressed and loved.  And I know this massage is not about that, but it is in a way.  It is me loving myself and knowing what I need and going to get it in a healthy way instead of picking up some guy, making him a toy, and having meaningless sex, that will only make me feel more lonely.

I can't say I've been tempted by Mr. Confidents offers as he is way too young and a player.  I have a lot of players in my life in the last three years.  And they all play in a different way.  I believe Mr. Hopeful was in love with me and respects me, Mr. Practical was curious and that turned into respect and love and a deep friendship, I feel that from That Guy as well.  But Mr. Charisma and Mr. Confident are just in it for the sex.  No love, no respect.  Just a 'Friends with benefits'.  The only difference is that Mr. Confident is up front about it.  And Mr. Charisma is the worst type of player because he tells you he loves you and wants you to be with him on his journey.  The only thing is, he doesn't tell you that your part of his journey will be temporary until he grooms the next girl he's flirting with to ask him out.  I've watched him do it.  Right in front of me.  Flirt with other women, hold long conversations with waitresses or other shoppers in grocery stores, even, dare I say it, tellers at the bank?   I'm sure that he does this all the time with every woman he meets.  Its habit.  Its the waiter in him.  Looking for that tip.  It's the reaction whore in him that will push the edge of the envelope of flirting to see where it will go, and if he's really interested in you, like he was with me, he will allow you to close the deal for him.  See he can't close.  He's a sales man that can't close.  At least with sex.  So you feel very confident that he excepted your offer for a date, because he must be interested if he does, right?  But what you don't know, is that you are a flavor of the moment.  He will tell you how happy he is and how much you have helped him heal and how his life was meaningless without you in it, and then when he's found the next one, he will start to distance himself.  You won't even notice at first because it's so subtle.  But his kisses will change, he will look for things in the relationship that don't work, and he might even tell you about them, he might just brood alone.  But once the 'first blush of love' fades he will believe he is with the wrong person.  And then when he's done, and it's too late to go back and fix or try to fix what is wrong, he will leave.

I can relate to that.  I used to believe that if the first blush of love faded I must be with the wrong person, until I realized that the first blush of love fades in every relationship, and gets reborn often during a long relationship.  The passion is what lasts.  Unfortunately with Mr. Charisma, my passion was what he didn't trust.  Because he says he's not in it for the sex.  The passion scares him but the passion is what keeps the first blush  alive and rekindled.  I know, because Mr. H and I still have passion, even if we don't act on it.

I did something on Friday that I'm really proud of.  Of course last tuesday I blocked Mr. Charisma and Miss Right from my Facebook and my phone so he can't contact me.  Friday after group,  I boxed up everything he gave me, except the dresses he bought for me, all the treasures that meant so much to us at one point in time, and now only remind me that he's gone.  I don't want constant reminders of how I was groomed or controlled like my attackers controlled me.  So I took them over to his apartment with a note on the outside that said "stuff you left I don't want"  and left it on his porch.  His car was there....he might have been home....I didn't knock.  The only thing I didn't include were the paper roses he made me on our first night together when he was flirting with me and trying to pick me up.  I forgot to include them.  And at first that angered me, but then I thought,  you know, I bet he makes these for all the girls.  I bet there are some strippers and call girls, and some old girlfriends with paper roses from him.  And I earned them too.   And besides, if I really want them gone....they are paper....they burn.

I still think about him too much, but it's not in fondness like when I think of Mr. H.  Its in anger and hate.  And I want that gone.  I feel so used and abused, again.  And the triggers that he brought out in me are too personal to go into here, but I'm addressing in therapy.  I want to get to the point where I can wish him well, where I can forgive him, and my attackers, and myself.  But that is what will take time, and effort on my part. That is what I'm working on to heal so that the next time I meet someone that I'm interested in, he will be a whole person too.  And not broken like Mr. Charisma.  I'm thankful that Miss Right took him away from me.  Because I would have allowed him to control me forever, and not in a good way for me.  It was a very self-destructive relationship for me, and one that plunged me back to being 12 years old and afraid all the time.

Here's to self reflection