Sunday, January 12, 2014

Mother's Little Helper

My week started on Monday with a nervous breakdown due to this break up and everything it has taught me about myself and my own issues that I need to face, finally!  I took the advice of my daughter and got some help, and meds, one for depression and one for my anxiety, which I have suffered with all my life.  Not the depression, that's from Mr. Charisma, leaving us as and moving on as suddenly as he did.  And losing Mr. Hopeful from my life, at the same time.   Allowing myself to be treated like a mistress instead of a lover, or honest girlfriend.  And making choices out of anxiety, of not wanting to be alone, so choosing Mr. Charisma.  The anxiety, I believe I have lived with all my life, and now that I'm on meds for it I can tell what a hyper, whirling dervish, I have been since childhood.  You see no one ever caught it before because my mother was the same way, and well, as children we learn what we see.  Five days into my meds I now have a base line to draw from.   And I can tell when I'm starting to talk too fast, or to much, or too excitedly.  I have stopped twitching, or fidgeting, and my hamster in my head has stopped running on that wheel constantly thinking of what could go wrong or has gone wrong or what ifs.  I think in time I will even learn to live in the moment.  And enjoy my time as it is happening instead of only in memories.

In the end I believe that I was suppose to have this time with Mr. Charisma so that I could see some of my own faults, glaring back at me, fall in love with them, and want to change them....not in myself.  I also believe since he was the personal trigger of two of my attackers from childhood, I needed to face that as well.  I had my first panic attack at his apartment one night as he was touching me in our bed, that flashed me right back to the time my mothers boy friend tried to rape me.  I didn't realize what was happening, but I couldn't stay....After midnight, I'm having a hot flash and dressing and telling a very confused man that, "I'm sure its night sweats and I just can't get comfortable and I have to go, I can't sleep here...."  Just rattling on any excuse to flee.  He and I both knew that was an important event.  I just didn't know how important until I started getting even more flashes of things he does to me or says to me or stands for as a man, that remind me of this man that attacked me.   As much as I thought I loved Mr. Charisma, and I do believe, as he has said to me, where we were good we were great, but where we were bad, we had to plunge the knife in deep to cut out the poisons in us.  I know he says I've helped him.  Helped him become a better man for her...WOW what a cut down.  He uses honesty as a way to be compassion.  When he told me that, about a week after we broke up, I was not ready to hear it and I believe off handed comments like that plunged me into depression.

I've blocked him, unfriended him. friended him back and unfriended him again on Facebook.  Only so he can check on me and read my blog, for he always said he liked it.  I try not to look at his wall but I do.  And yesterday I made it the entire day without reaching out to him.  Only the second time I've made it 24 hours since December 18.  I'm hoping I will have the strength to wait for him to reach out to me.   But I don't believe he ever will.  We are arguing on Fb now....well he is....I can't like his snarky posts, but he liked one of mine yesterday.  I saw the following one on his wall when I checked it after seeing his activity on my wall. It said.

      "There will always be something thats not right about you, to a person thats not right for you."

I really wish I could have liked it so that he could see that I completely agree that he didn't love me enough.  I'm sure he's posting it because he didn't think I loved him enough.  But I didn't want to change him.  He came to me wanting to change himself.  And so I tried, with love and compassion, to listen to him tell me his story of decadence in his journey to find love, and himself.  His explorations from his wife to call girls, strippers as dates- not just doing their job-, long lost failed girlfriends, and not so lost ones that check in on him the way Mr. Practical checks in on me, and the way Mr. Hopeful use to....(I really wish I would have kissed Mr. H the last time I saw him.  I wanted to, but I'm being good.)

And while I think he is posting this as a slam to me, it is absolutely true in how he treated me.  In three days it will be a month, four short weeks, since Mr. Charisma and I broke up.  And in four short weeks he has met the girl of his dreams, all their children love each other, and they are getting married at the end of the year.  At least this is what he tells me.  Of course keep in mind this is a man that has never been single, hops from one 'wife' to the next, and can't know what he wants without and time to self reflect, but what do we really care about that, or him, at this point.  EXCEPT to add, that as long as you are still fighting, there are feelings there.  Its when you feel nothing then you are really done.  As long as what we say bugs us, there is something left.  Now he is saying that his whole plan was to be with me long enough to 'fix' me and then maybe help get me back with the love of my life.  WTF?  That goes against everything and anything he said while in my arms.  And reminds me of a time when I just couldn't wait to get an ex hooked up so that he would stop being a temptation to me.  As long as my ex had a girlfriend he was safe to hang out with.  I wonder if this is his real motivation for believing this now.  When the entire time we were together he was talking about a future with me, a journey together, not a fix-it-up project for my ex to benefit by.  I certainly wasn't trying to help him fix himself for Miss Right.  This also pisses me off.

I had the first happy Saturday night Sunday morning in four weeks.  One of my best and longest girlfriend She of Little Combat Boots, was doing her weekend warrior thing and stayed with me last night.  We talked until we got tired about all of this, and then she said, "If he ruined Dr. Who for you I'm going to kick his butt."  And to prove that he hadn't we watched two episodes that were the next two for me.  (I'm in The Dr/Donna season 4 right now)  And they happened to be two that she had missed, so was good for us both.

I've made some terrible misjudgments over the past two years.  The first year I would not change for anything, I miss him and love him and wish him well with or without me in his life.  Thats real love.  The last year I wish I had not experienced as a lover.  I believe that if I had kept Mr. Charisma as a friend I might still be here getting help for my anxiety and with that being gone, maybe he would have seen me as a better match...a more calming influence in his life.  But if I hadn't allowed myself to be flattered and swept away by him, I might never have gotten the trigger to face the rape, attacks or abandonment issues from my father.  So if I can find something good to take with me from my experience with Mr. Charisma, I guess it would have to be, "Why was I attracted to someone so vile and perverted and how much of that do I want to own?"  Now I'm not saying Mr. Charisma was vile and perverted but my attackers were....and in almost every facet of him as a man, he is a dead ringer for one of them, and emotionally both.  So what do I do with that?

Glad therapy starts next week.  Tuesday follow up with the therapist and the psychiatrist, and then Wednesday intake at the hospital for my monday - friday outpatient one on one and group therapy.  If I keep feeling as good as I do today...not longing for my Saturday/Sunday with him, but reclaiming my favorite time with him as my favorite time with ME....I might even be able to work half days while in therapy.  And I need to get back to work as soon as I can face people.  Right now I'm at one person at a time.  Tonight is Gaming...Full group.  Thankfully they are some of my best friends and adopted family members....We are family my gaming group.  And I can't wait to see them and see how I do with more than one person at a time.  This is the perfect test as I feel completely safe and loved with them all so I have nothing to fear.  I hope I don't cry unless its joy.