Sunday, January 5, 2014

Point of No Return- How Long

I really wish I could say I have gotten to this point.  Why is it so hard to get over people that leave your life?  I've tried to convince myself that this time its because I lost big.  I not only lost the love that helped me get over Mr. Hopeful, but I officially lost all hope of ever seeing Mr. Hopeful again as well.   So forget about any, "what if" fantasies of the future, with either.  And when I started with them both I had fooled myself into believing that they might really love me.

Now I know that they love me still.  But neither of them have ever been 'in love' with me.  I knew I was in trouble with Mr. Charisma when cuddled up one Sunday morning, like this morning, I asked him if he was in love with me and he said he didn't know the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.  I wanted to try to explain it to him but all I could see is his confused look in his eyes, and I knew that he had never been in love the way that I had.  I asked him earlier this week when we met for coffee if he understood what I meant now, when I told him I was in love with him.  Now that he has met Miss Right.  And he shamefully blushed and looked down and nodded and then looked back into my eyes with almost tears in them and with a catch in his voice softly said, "yes."  Tears that softened my heart to understand just how sorry he was that he didn't love me enough.  It helps.  But its still not the point of no return for me.

Mr. Hopeful has reached that point.  I was brought up to believe (thank you Neil--cue RUSH song) that one of the ways you can see how much a person really loves you and cares about you is how they treat you when you are hopeless and afraid and hurting.  When you are at your lowest, and feel your most alone, the people that love you, and really care about you step up.  They come out of the woodwork of your armor lined heart, and hug you with their ears to hear, and shoulders to cry on and arms to hold you and voice to validate.  I am blessed a wonderful and caring network of gaming friends and family.  But I have to mention that Mr. Practical and Mr. Charisma, are trying to help me.   Mr. Practical, from a long distance has held out a candle of hope and wonderful advice.  If he hadn't been so attentive and helpful during our break up, and all the others, we would not have the honest and caring un-motive driven love and friendship we have now.  I do not regret a moment of our journey together, and there were dark times where I promised myself I would never feel this way again.  Never say never...enter Mr. Hopeful and Mr. Charisma.  And Mr. Charisma...well more on this...

This break up with Mr. Hopeful is such that he will remain gone from my life forever.  I believe this, even though I know I will run into him again.  I know this sounds like an absolute, and apparently with me I'm all black and white with no variables or gray areas.  And they, Mr. H and Mr. C, with their variables that break hearts and make them able to live with themselves for their lack of compassion, conscience  and memory, THEY say this as if it were a bad thing.  Gray areas are what got me into this mess in my heart and mind.  Listening to their stories more than looking at them with my eyes -- hearing the gray areas, and deciding to live my life with them--Giving either of these men the benefit of the doubt, that the story they were weaving was true, that they were both so terribly unhappy in their current relationships that they were going crazy.  And guess what?  I was no more than a symptom of their lunacy.  And I let them treat me like a slut, and therefore I was treated like trash.  You don't respect trash.  So no wonder he disappeared.

Mr. Charisma I'm sure wants to.  He isn't though.  Just like Mr. Practical didn't disappear.  And while I tortured my friends and family with stories of my broken heart when Mr. Practical and I split up, I have tried not to do that so much this time.  I said tried, I didn't say was successful.  But Mr. Charisma has been responsive!  Every time I text, he gets back to me within a reasonable time, for me and in a hurry for him.  Don't think I haven't noticed.  And it's appreciated, especially when he was with me, he ignored all manner of interruption after checking to see who it was from, and in many cases was not just hours but days sometimes before he might respond.  I know I'm special because he is responding to me while with her, or right before or after her.  Which means I rank in the friends position which is very good considering how recent this all still is and feels to me.

This is part of my great confusion right now.  I have been saying some really intelligent and non emotion driven things to Mr Charisma and gotten some really great and super fast healing validation from him.  This is a wonderful kindness that he is doing for me, because from his point of view he is feeling like every time I reach out to him I'm going to eventually rail at him.  And he's right.  I try to start off with whatever emotion has driven me to the want to reach out to him.  Believe me it is a want, and then it turns into a need, and that is the part of great confusion for me, and the only reason I reach out.  I'm hoping the best part of us will help me understand why.  The best part of us was our debates and self-discovery discussions.  I miss them.  And yet I honestly have been trying to convince myself that he was just a toy and had I kept him there instead of letting him talk us into getting serious, we'd be great friends now without all this drama.  And I'd only be broken hearted over one man right now and not two.  But that's not quit right either....Yes he shouldn't have been with me while committed somewhere else but we are both to blame for that, but he shouldn't have tried for the 'white gold' ring with me, and he knew it, but he did it anyway because he is strong and his journey is all about him.  And when he needed me in his life he grabbed at the opportunity with both hands, and his body and heart and mind followed so quickly he didn't understand how and why he was changing only that he was.  I was only along for the ride, but I didn't know that.  I thought I was the one.  I think, he thought so too.  If I could warn him about anything right now it would be this.  This ability he has to be totally done with someone, and walk away like it's nothing, after being so sure.  And he thinks he loves greatly. Actually he runs from it.  It scares him.  Always has, but it's the one thing he longs for.  I feel very much like Jimmy Cricket to his Pinocchio.  I used to be his Watson and he my Holmes.    Perhaps that has its points still, perhaps that is what we will be able to save.  Perhaps more.  But this is the danger for me.  This is why I wish I was at the point of no return with Mr. Charisma.  But I'm not yet.  I know Mr. Practical and That Guy think I'm getting there quicker this time, even though it seemed like a much harder drop than Mr. Hopeful....I can't say I agree, having lived it.   But from my perspective, even though I can agree that it was not a sudden break up, we had been rocky since September, when Miss Rights relationship broke up...strange coincidence, and one I'm not so sure I think is all just coincidence.  I remember Mr. Charisma's kisses changing after September....that was another red flag I ignored.  I was so much in denial, I wanted it to work too much.  I should have had more self respect than that.  But I was "in love"  and when you are "in love" you work harder.  And that made it worse for him, because he was not in love.  I think the title of my self help romance book will be called 'Hopefully Charismatic and Practical. '

But I didn't have self respect.  I still don't.  And that makes me hate myself.  I feel like I learned so much more with Mr. Charisma than the others.  The lessons were similar but much harder to learn.  It makes me wonder if I got it right this time or if I'm still cursed.  I'm sure what I went through with him was karma from his ex.  I can see her wishing I felt just like she did...and guess what?  I do.  I do.  I knew how he would treat me, I saw him do it to her.  I wonder if Miss Right sees or is blinded too.  I cursed him too,  and through him you.  ( couldn't resist it rhymes)  I lifted it, because I want my bad karma to stop.  But that doesn't mean anything really, because your karma is your own, and what you put out there you will get back.  So I don't have to curse him or her or any of them to be able to nod knowingly someday at their sadness.  Because they have already set in motion what will happen, and as happy as they all are right now with their choices and lives, everything ends....everything dies.  Enjoy it while you are in blissful denial.  I know I did.