Sunday, April 6, 2014

Said you'd give me light....but you never told me about the fire...

I've been reflecting a lot on the past, as I'm finding myself again.  And I've come to some conclusions that the family and friends who know me the best, may have always known, but were lost on me.  I have finally forgiven myself for being with Mr. Charisma.  I have finally acknowledged that I accepted his advances because I was very lonely and tired of being alone, or waiting for Mr. Hopeful.  And if I'm very honest with myself I realize that I chose him because I knew I could leave him easily if Mr. Hopeful ever found his way to me.  This is not hard to admit now that I've forgiven myself, but it was impossible to admit, the year I was with him.  I'm happy for him that he has found his true love, and not bitter at all about our time together, for I believe it helped us both to heal several demons we have been carrying around for more years than we can count.  As the old saying goes, people come into your lives and people leave your life.  Sometimes they leave because they have nothing else to teach you, and they aren't meant to be with you on your journey for any longer than they were.  I believe that's what Mr. Charisma and I were to each other.  That does not mean that our feelings were fake they just weren't as powerful or deep as what I feel for Mr. Hopeful or what he feels for Miss Right.  This realization does not mean that I trust him or want him in my life as a friend.  For I do not.  But I have forgiven us, for our hearts being so tired of being alone.

And perhaps we needed to discover that to understand our feelings for the other people in our life.  I know I often wondered why I stayed single for so long.  Yes, it was easier raising my kids without the complication of another man in our lives other than their fathers.  But it was very lonely for me.  In ways that I had gotten so used to that I didn't even see how angry I was.  I have a lot of love to give and chose to throw all that love and affection into my kids.  That made certain parts of my life very lonely.  When I missed that I would reach out to friends, for adult time.  That consisted of a lot of self medication, and sometimes what some of you would consider, poor choices.  I don't, as long as the choices made me smile.  I admit I have made a few poor choices that do not make me smile when I remember them.  But I no longer speak to those men or see them in my life at all, so it's ok to admit that I made some mistakes.  

And for the most part I have apologized to the ones that I hurt unnecessarily.  At least the ones that I can find or are still talking to me.  I believe now that I stayed single for so many decades because I deep down inside I know who I love and who I should have been with.  And, try as I might, no one else seems to come close to erasing him in my heart.  I often think of him and hope he is happy and that he found someone else to love as much as I realize he loved me.  I may never know, but I am hopeful.  

Sometimes I imagine what it might be like if he were to show up on my doorstep having spent his journey trying to forget me, like I have tried to forget him.  They say that there is more than one person for us in this life, and I know that is true.  I have been very lucky to have been married more than once and felt that knowledge that, at least once, we could have made it work if we really wanted to.  But one person can't make a marriage last, no matter how much you may want to.  I learned that lesson twice, once as the person leaving, and once as the person not wanting it to end.  Needed that lesson to understand even more, how true love works.  How it never dies, but helps you understand what you must do.  Sometimes that's to leave.  Sometimes that is giving someone you love the chance to be happier without you.  To be with the love of their lives.  No matter who that is.  

Nature gave me a reading once that showed I would have three children.  I never wanted to start over in my late thirties, so I ran from that fate....as fast as I could.  And here I am in my fifties, helping Second Daughter with her children, Ginger Snap, who is seven,  and Sammy Bo Baggins.....who is only one....starting over....

You can't run from your fate....even if you try.  I understand that at least two times in my past I have run from a fate that I was destined to have.  Too bad I didn't understand it those times.  My life, and theirs, might be very different now.  Maybe better, maybe worse, who knows?  That's the real trap of wondering 'what if'.  Some days I wish that true love was a myth, and that I could fall out of love.  I would if I could.  Now I just understand it's impossible, and forgive myself.  And smile, because if the love you feel for anyone you love, makes you smile, it is not wrong.  Doesn't mean you can have it, but it does justify the emotion.  And sometimes that is all you need to change guilt into fondness...