Since I've moved to Chicago I've been having the most interesting and sexually explicit dreams of Mr. Hopeful. Like when we were together and the most happy. That hasn't happened in a few years, and I welcome them. They don't make me sad when I wake from them, which they used to. I feel they made me sad because I loved him so much and couldn't have him. Now if you read this blog every Sunday, you know I don't believe real love ever dies, it changes and grows and matures and sometimes it smolders waiting to be rekindled. But it doesn't die. Not true love.
I'm haunted by something he recently said to me about loving me and how confusing it is, how he can't explain it either. And that's what is on my mind on this sunny Sunday morning. True love. Explain it. You can't, can you? If you had to, really had to explain it to me, why you love someone the way you do, you wouldn't be able to do much but smile. And the smile says it all.
You love someone because of who they are and who you are. You click. Or if you prefer you baggage goes well with theirs. I always felt like Mr. Hopeful got me, without having to explain much. Maybe I'm romanticizing us, but I still feel like he gets me.
I'd tell you about it, but much like Stevie Nicks, "I keep my visions to myself". And as tempted as I am to write it all out here, I want to hurt no one. Love is not about winning. Its about loving and thinking of someone else's happiness over your own. I know what makes him happy and it's not with me. But that doesn't change how I feel about him.
The only difference between now and then is knowing that my heart doesn't have to change. I blame getting help and my meds for this change in perception. I'm not depressed without him, my anxiety is way down now that I'm doing something I love for a living, and not trying to change for Mr. Charisma or anyone for that matter. I feel more like myself then I have in a long time. And yet I find myself very tentative around men. Very willing to be submissive. Which is definitely a hold over from the forced abuse of my childhood, as are my abandonment issues. They all leave in the end, so I leave first. But see, it's not about running from a fate you think is looming on the horizon. Its about loving yourself and knowing you can handle anything that the universe throws at you. THAT is what love is about, and how you can love others, by starting with yourself.
In my dream, Mr. Hopeful told me he would always love me no matter what. Its funny, but I feel like that was almost me telling myself I'd always love me no matter what. And maybe I am starting to finally forgive myself for the things that were never my fault that I carried around with me. Maybe thats part of why I'm not angry anymore. Not surrounded by a cloud of anger, as BoBo mentioned when last we saw each other.
I wish I felt more confident around the opposite sex, like I used to. Really confident not a flirty and fun act. I think when I am, I will know I'm ready to move on romantically, but until then, I'm happy with the fondness of Mr. Hopeful. And will always remember him with love. And hope that someday he will turn around and see me, smiling at him.