Sunday, September 28, 2014

Mary Poppins....Who Knew?

My life is almost my own again.  I have found a career I am passionate about and apparently pretty good at.  Better than I thought I could be, and yet, if I'd seen myself from the outside, I might have known all along.  I'm med free, and happy.  Being in a state of contentment without meds is the accomplishment I was most hoping for this year.  Finishing my novel was the also high on the list.  But I find myself completely uninterested in it right now.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I can hear the characters trying to get my attention, but I'm not making time for them.  I'm not making time to write, which is not a good thing, but I have so much on my plate right now, with my two nanny jobs and trying to catch up on bills, which I almost have with one paycheck.  (insert proud smile here) Was even able to take my First Daughter out for drinks and dinner last night as a kick off to her birthday week.  I haven't had spending money to in about seven months, so it feels good to be able to afford to spoil my loved ones.  My plan for the rest of my earnings in October is to save, save save, for my own studio apartment.

I've been searching on line and every week new options open up, so they go fast here in the windy city.  I love looking, but I don't want to fall in love with something that I can't have, so I'm waiting to actually canvas after I've got some serious money saved.  I think it will only take me about four more weeks before I can be all moved in somewhere.  Fingers crossed.

I really like my new family and I'm an official Chicago commuter now that I drive there and back every day, quicker than the train.  But I do love the fact that if I can't afford a car, I can live here very easily and work without one.  I miss my little Ginger Snap and Sammy Bo Baggins every day but I still look after them in the evenings and on the weekends as needed.  I know I'll miss them a lot more once I'm moved out.  But even with that said, I'm looking forward to some alone time.  Adult alone time.  Kidless.  I am surrounded by children from around 7:30 am until 9:00 pm every day...I'm starting to hum Elmo's World instead of Fleetwood Mac.  Not good.  When I'm serving lunch or dinner to anyone, I automatically cut it into small bite size portions.  That could be embarrassing if I'm hosting an adult party.  And I find myself looking for the diaper bag every time I leave the apartment or townhouse...every time, even if I'm not taking any kids with me.  I feel like a mom again, but not at the same time.  Because at the end of the day, I can give them back to their real parents.  I'm exhausted, but it's a good tired.  And the kids I've nurtured are all asleep and I feel needed, loved, respected, and content.

Perhaps Mr. Charisma was right when he accused me of looking for unconditional love.  I always thought I was giving that to everyone, but never felt like I was getting it back except with children.  And while this means that I truly am narcissistic and completely satisfied with self love, I am happier surrounded by children.  They don't have hidden motives, or make you feel like you are never good enough.  They don't judge you by your body type, or educational level, or the car you drive.  They don't lie to your face and stab you in the back for no other reason than because they could get away with it. They don't lie....not about important things, maybe about cookies or having finished their homework, but not about how they feel.  They are honest about their feelings and need to be heard.  I love to listen and help them sort out all those feelings.  Maybe I never really grew up myself.  Maybe I'm still that kid too, and that's why I relate to them so well.  Maybe I just want to protect them from all the monsters out there, and I know that I can.  And I'm quite familiar with the monsters as they have been under my bed and hidden in my closet too.  I understand that not everyone wants children in their lives nor do they need them.  But I have never imagined a life without them, even as a child my favorite game was House, and I was a mommy even then.

I miss and adore my children, and are proud of the adults that they have become.  I miss our times together as a family when they were at my knee learning everything I could teach them.  I miss how their minds worked and grew right in front of my eyes.  And I was never happier at any job than when I was their mommy.  Now I have taken the successful leap to a new career, and I not only love it but according to the parents, I'm good at it.  Now I have two more little ones to nurture and help grow.  I hope I can be in their lives for many years to come, as I know I will with Ginger Snap and Sammy Bo Baggins.

Listening to the quiet, and looking forward to the joyful noise of children