Sunday, September 14, 2014

The Chain - Fleetwood Mac

Lots of internal things brewing this week, lots of chains that bind me.  I still miss my friends, but I know I'm on the right path.  Giving up is not giving up the feelings or the love I feel for certain people.  But moving on is sometimes the only choice you can logically, ethically, emotionally and realistically make.  This has been my feelings on the matter of my heart for four years.  And it has been the hardest choice I have ever made.

I left him years ago, and it seems my heart never did.  My heart just broke and then laughed at me that I believed his absence in my life would be the same as getting over him; or  moving on.  He moved on.  But I have stayed in some kind of time resistant hibernation of the heart.  I really believed I had forgotten him and moved on too.  I really had been happy, well as happy as I could be considering I hadn't even approached the anger from the childhood abuse, and discovered that my writing could be more than another fantasy novel.  I wish I could have had the opportunity as a child to get the help I needed.  Now the damage has already been done in the relationship department and I can never fix the past.  But I can remain hopeful about the future.  And while I still dream about him, he made an appearance last night, again, I find that the dreams are very healing and fond.  Not scary or veiled meanings.  When I look up the meanings I find that he has become one of my dream guides, helping me to realize what I already know, or helping me to see it in a way that I cannot ignore.  With fond smiles of love and hand holding conversations.  As it probably always should have been with us.  But you know me if you are a constant reader or know me outside cyberspace, you know I sometimes just go with my heart, and damn the consequences.

I'm sure, at my age, I know right from wrong.  I'm also equally sure that I am the star of my own life again....FINALLY.  This has been a hard road to walk, but I'm through most of the really dark parts, I hope.  And I'm glad that if I had to make that journey that I made it with someone I have loved for so long.  I'm a better person for having known him at all.

Saying goodbye does not have to mean it's the end of everything you can feel.  Its sometimes the beginning of forgiveness, respect, self love, and confidence to stand alone, knowing that in your heart, you will always be together.  Chain keep us together, running in the shadows.  (Cue Fleetwood Mac)

The longer I am single the more I enjoy it.  I think it is time for me to be alone and love myself for awhile.  After all I went from my mothers home to my husbands home with no time to be just me as a young woman.  I had my children young and my 20's were a blur of marriage and children and divorce and marriage, and divorce and marriage and children.  I never had the chance to stop and think about what I really want in life.  What I really want to do or who I am.  Now that my kids are grown, I have a wonderful opportunity to have my 20's and have enjoyed them in my 40's and 50's.  And you'd think I'd be smarter and make better choices because of the wisdom of age.  HAHAHAHA.  There's the rub.  I was more reckless with the freedom of adulthood and the power that can bring.  Having faced that, I now want to settle down again, not nesting, not like a young lover but more like a grandma.  I believe that is why the career change to being a full time career Nanny has really been a life saver for me.  The unconditional love that children give is very healing and good for my esteem building.  And the mistakes I have made have made me not just experienced but I believe a great study of human behavior.  The knowledge I can give, with a gentle tone and a loving heart, can save many children from the harsh childhood that Fate dealt me.   I'm a wiser person for having been able to come through all of that and still feel and have love to give.  I'm one of the lucky ones.