Sunday, September 21, 2014

My Life - Bon Jovi

Sometimes we have to test the waters to find out how deep they are, before we dive in.  Since my break up with Mr. Charisma last Christmas, I've been doing that with all the men in my life.  And while it may seem heartless to sever ties, sometimes it's the only choice you can make to stay sane.  I had to do this last week with Mr. Practical.  Honestly I feel it has been a long time coming, probably even before Mr. Charisma and I started.  I had been torn between Hopeful and Practical and put my feelings aside, or so I thought.  When Mr. Charisma and I broke up Mr. Practical was there to make sure I was ok and I thought to be just friends as we had been since he married.  But I was wrong.  I couldn't keep trying to be friends with someone that treated his wife with so little respect.

I understand making mistakes, admitting them, learning from them and moving on.  I do that in my life and teach that with the children that I take care of, as with my own children when raising them.  But what I can't respect is someone that can't admit a mistake, no matter how painful it is, and try to honestly save the good things, the friendship.  I know he believes he did that.  And I think for the most part he did, or at least he tried.  But he if he can't be honest with his wife then he isn't being honest with me either.  And while I had to let him go as a lover when he married, I tried to keep the friend.  But he must have some feelings still for me, because he gets so angry when we talk about the past or try to understand the mistakes and heal together.  Mr. Hopeful and I were able to communicate through hard life choices and mistakes and keep our respect and friendship.  I honestly didn't think we could.  I had no doubt that Mr. Practical and I could, and we failed.

When I look back on the last four years of bad decisions and reckless behavior, I wonder why and then it hits me like a wave of understanding.  While I was dealing with the past hurt from abuse I could never stop or run from, I needed Mr. Hopeful's understanding and care and youthful love for life; Mr. Practical's realistic and logical approach to everything; Mr. Confident's determination, and Mr. Charisma's catalyst and demons.  All were important parts of my healing and finding myself again.  And I'm grateful for the lessons I have learned and the love I have freely given and received.  I wish them all well.

As I move on.