Sunday, March 8, 2015

Matter Of Trust - Billy Joel

It has been a great year of self discovery.  Not surprisingly I rediscovered that I do enjoy my own company probably above all others.  And I don’t need a man to complete me.  Or a woman, for those of you that have that luxury of being able to pick from both genders.  But for me it’s always been picking from the guys isle.  And men are easy and stupid when it comes to affairs of the heart, or even just listening to their other head, instead of their mind.  But that wasn’t something I rediscovered.  The fact that I have major trust issues is.

After a lot of thought over the past two days it dawned on me that my trust issues are why I’m alone and why none of my romantic relationships have worked.  It isn’t the men I’ve loved, its me.  I don’t trust anyone.  And my trust issues have become monstrous.  The example that happened that made me understand this is when I sold the car.  I have a bill of sale and an affidavit and they are cutting the check and overnighting it to me on Monday.  This is a reputable dealer, not some guy on crags list.  And I know from experience selling cars that the people who cut checks aren’t there on the weekends, but it’s the only time I can be.   In the same situation we would have done the same thing.  (We being the place where I used to sell cars)  And I left still not trusting.  Still assuming something bad would happen, because as First Son says, “That’s just my luck.”  Damn it.  I taught him that.  I’d apologize to him here but he doesn’t read my blog.  TMI.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, that I was upsetting myself for no good reason.  The check will come.  Yes, it’s the oldest con and excuse in the books, but I really am being silly.  And I realized I had been silly like this in love as well.

In every marriage and in every relationship, I looked for the weak spot in him, the area where he would fail, and I assumed that would happen.  Not wished for it, but watched for it.  And in each time it became a self fulling prophecy.  Not because I was right. AHA!  But because my attitude of not trusting actually pushed them to cheat, or lie, or become less intimate, or drink, well, being an alcoholic was not my fault, so husband number one does not get a free ticket, and Mr. Charisma was so full of weak spots when I met him that he never stopped any of them with me and I was just fooling myself so he doesn’t get a free ticket either, but the rest do.

The other thing that hit me was the old adage ‘birds of a feather’  and some of my best friends throughout the years, have also had major trust issues.  Some of my romances as well.  I even had That Guy say to me this weekend that he trusts no one.  Including me, and we’re good friends….?  Doesn’t make sense does it.  But I’m the same way.  And I know it now.  And it’s going to be hard to fix, but in knowing what the problem is I’m closer to understanding how to fix it.

Where did it come from?  Well obviously for me from the rapes and attacks at 12 from family and close friends of my parents.  Being a mistress I’m sure didn’t help, and my moms own deep paranoia as she gave her fears to me.  (Cue The Wall).  But as I grew up I have been transferring that lack of trust and fear to everyone.  And it's only because I was so young when it happened.  When my childhood trust was shattered by my cousin and my mothers boyfriend all in the same year.  I don’t know why, as intelligent as I believe I am, that I didn’t get some therapy myself sooner than two years ago.  I know back in the 70s’ it wasn’t as common or looked on as something that would help and I know my mom didn’t believe in it.  But I think it would have helped.

Now since I really can’t afford that kind of help, I am trying to do what I know helps me and if you are like me maybe this will help you.  Indian bowl mediation is a wonderfully relaxing technique for focus, and any medication helps me.  Exercise.  Its good for me and helps me focus as well.  I try to limit the negative self talk.  When I catch myself thinking, “What will this person do to harm me?” I stop now.  I know it’s only been two days.  But on the way home from selling the car, on the long two trains and two busses, a fellow traveler reached out to me and spoke.  And instead of being in my iPhone world, I responded.  We talked for two trains together until our travels separated us.  And he was very interesting.  Too bad he’d be a much better match for my daughter than me. 26 and from Romania, and cute, and intelligent and very green and organic.  We didn’t exchange numbers but he look genuinely sad when I left knowing our paths would never cross again.  And I hope he has a great life and I was proud of myself for responding in a friendly and intelligent manner.  We had the best conversion about government and whats wrong with this country.  So much more fulfilling than my average daily conversion with the children I nanny for, (LOL) or with most of my girlfriends where they only are interested in talking about what man they are chasing or is chasing them.  Or even with some of my guy friends where it's gaming or whats new, and nothing ever really changes.

I am trying hard to be my own best friend,  and trying to trust that everyone is not going to hurt me, is the first step.  There is a huge difference between being organized and prepared, and being paranoid and afraid.  I am both, so I get confused.  I will update next week.  And I’m sure all this worry will have been for nothing.  As all my worry has always been.

Cheers.

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