I've got that feeling again. That waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling. When I concentrate on it it terrifies me, for like most of you I'm only a paycheck away from being homeless. I think I'm overreacting. If I were going to lose my job over standing up for my daughter and trying to help her a month ago, I think they would have given me notice then or outright fired me. Perhaps I'm just too cautious. A nanny in their neighborhood lost her job. I don't know the details and I'm very curious because I saw this nanny almost every day at the park when I took Beatles Boy and Flower Girl.
One day last week I saw the nanny on the street corner of the townhouses as I was walking to my train. She looked embarrassed and hurried as a man I'd never seen before had his hand out, waiting somewhat impatiently, for her to remove a key from her ring of keys. I walked on by, pretending not to notice. I didn't want to add to her embarrassment, but I felt bad that I didn't say something. Even a smile or a wave goodbye. Then a few days later, I saw him again at the park with the little girl and another much younger nanny. She looked so like the little girl if I hadn't met the mother before I would have assumed she was the wife and mom. Noticing the child, I asked the man if the nanny was sick today, and he said "No. Something happened and she no longer works for us." I said I was sorry for the family and introduced myself and let him know we were one door down from them and of course he then recognized the children. And was happy to meet me.
I'm sure I'm overreacting. I know my family and I discussed notice when I was hired as one of the things that they felt strongly about on both sides, as they were left high and dry with no notice by their last nanny. I think it's why they were so afraid when I wanted to help Di in what I considered an emergency. They saw a signal from me that scared them and reminded them of the past. And I'm sure that whatever this other nanny did, I'm not capable of doing that. Something that would require a dismissal with no notice. The only times I've been suddenly fired from a job involved high corporate drama, or otherwise known as corporate take overs.
Signals that remind people of the past. That's huge. And I feel like its always an issue with us as humans. We remember the fire that burned us and we fear to touch it again. We don't want to disturb its embers for fear of a flare up, and another decade of guilt and hurt and unbearable jealousy. Emotions that can define us and ones we never wish will. But when the heart is broken by a love, accepting that love again can be impossible. It's like the old test with a piece of paper. Rip it up and then apologize. It's not the same, and never will be. You can tape it and glue it back together but its still not like it was before the rending...before the destruction. This is what happens in relationships when mistakes are made or hearts broken. And depending on the importance of the relationship it can lead to divorce, unemployment, and even shunning from your family members. No one wants that, no matter what the reason for the rending.
But....sometimes, I have found, that shredding up the paper and starting over with a new one is much better. Sometimes the new paper even if it looks just like the other one, holds the ink better, is easier to write on, and the words flow out of me. Something about a blank piece of paper. It holds so many opportunities. Sometimes I stare at it in frustration, sometimes it holds the ink and the script flows out of me. It's the same with people. You have to find the ones that it's easy with, and keep them close. Those are the ones you don't dare rip. Those are the ones we write very carefully with pencil so we can erase and try again.
Cheers
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