I have a huge respect for trying to do the right thing, Karma sucks and the fourth of July is my date for paying back Karma. Back in the day, which for me is the mid 1980's, with the help of Mr. Selfish, my third husband, I made a life choice that destroyed two lives. One was a young man that just wanted to marry me, Guezzo, and the second was my second husband, Darth Vader. Now thankfully I paid back the Karma due Darth and he is now very happy in his second marriage, but Guezzo, no one knows what happened to him. If he finally drank himself to death or if he's happy living the American Dream away from all the ones he has great reason to hate. That's July 4th for me, a memory of breaking his heart over fireworks and running off with Mr. Selfish who would in turn, in nine years break my heart in much the same way by falling in love with a younger woman. Destroying our family.
But wait there's more.
July second is also a banner date in time for it was the last time I saw Mr. Hopeful. Now I don't mean saw like in the grocery store, I mean saw, as in being together and being able to express all those wonderful feelings we have for each other. But that was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away as well. But it doesn't make my July 4th any easier. It bookends July 3rd quite nicely. The last happy day with Guezzo.
So lets just say this whole holiday is usually a bust for me and a weekend where I enjoy my hermit solitude of reflection. Where I heavily weigh the costs of my rash decision making in my past.
But this year there must be something in the water, something that is only effecting men. Because this year, it seems a lot of my past mistakes are bubbling back to the surface to remind me how much karma I still have to pay. Or maybe they are chances to right past wrongs. Lets see how I did.
Last month Mr. Confident tried to get me to hook up to him the day before he posted a save the date for his upcomming marriage. I told him basically to stuff it. But much nicer. My standard, "Yes, only a drink unless your single." Line which shuts him up. Score one for mending karma, I said no.
Then right before that Mr. Practical, contacts me with a 'once in a lifetime opportunity' to try to be friends. Just friends, like we were before the 'greatest kiss of all time' five years ago. And after setting up many boundries that I wanted as much as he, for I do miss his friendship, I said yes. But if he flirts with me or tries anything he doesn't feel comfortable saying with his wife in the room, then I'm done again. And will back off to save their marriage. Score another one for mending karma, I agreed to the relationship we always should have had.
Then on July 3rd this year, Mr. Selfish hits on me. WTF?! Mr. Shelfish, who never talks to me anymore and hasn't in years. I think the last good conversation we had face to face was when First Daughter went off to college. That's eight years ago. And he doesn't know me nor has he been in my life as even a friend in 21 years. Hits on me! On July 3rd of all dates! Now I know he was drinking and he mentioned a lot about time and how we'll both end up alone and isn't being with someone better than that, and that Mr. Hopeful has nothing on our history, and now much he could pleasure me even at our ages. WOW. What a sweet talker! I think Satan said it best when his response to Mr. Selfish trying anything with me, was, "He never knew what he wanted except to be waited on, and he's a psychopathic destroyer." Even First Daughter said I owned her dad nothing, and First Son said he sounds lonely. Well he may be right, but welcome to your Karma, Mr. Selfish. My response to this insulting settling for who was once the love of his life, was this: I was nice for First Daughter's sake, I asked questions about what was really wrong, and how he was handling the death of his father six months ago, I told him my heart lay in someone else's caring hands, and that he should remember how that felt when it was directed at him, and he had the balls to say he'd leave this thread open in case I ever wanted it. Not likely. The next morning when he tried to apologize I told him he got a free pass for being someone I've known all my life, but that I hoped he wasn't serious about any of it, because I would never trust my heart to him again. Score another one for mending Karma, I said no and kept my voice strong rather than going back to old patterns in the tapestry that were not good for me. For when I was his wife I was invisible, with no voice of my own, and no thought to what my choices did to others. I lost a lot of 'me' married to him and it's taken me many decades to find again. Some important things I regained only after the great pain of Mr. Charisma and the triggers.
And then there is Mr. Hopeful who is the only person that made me laugh about the entire thing, on a holiday that I'd much rather wallow in grief and loss. When he heard what Mr. Selfish did, he said only this, "You're irresistible."
In two words he showed his heart and how he sees me with an explanation that should explain it all away. And he made me smile fondly as I sat from my third story window and watched the neighborhood fire works of Chicago. By my vantage I was able to see three different shows in my PJ's tucked into my 'inter-nest'. It was a happy 4th in the end and I didn't wallow even though I was alone. I was too insulted by Mr. Selfish to wallow; and unlike Mr. Selfish, I'm alright with ending up alone. I like me. Score another one for mending Karma and not needing anyone to complete me or validate what I feel or who I am.
Cheers
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