Sunday, October 11, 2015

Angry - The Eighth Dwarf

I'm frustrated.  I'm at a loss for words.  I'm angry.  I hate Angry.  Angry doesn't let me think straight.  Angry speeds along with thoughts that no human mouth could articulate.  I'm one of the lucky ones, I have both types of Angry.  (I think I just created a new dwarf - Angry) 

I have the type of Angry that throws things across the room, lets call him Rage.  Last time I did that was when I was 34.  Rage seems to be sleeping.  But I also have the type that is very quiet and very patient, lets call him Revenge.  That's the part to be afraid of.  That's the angry that if allowed to grow I will reap a bitter harvest. 

Fortunately I know this, so it's highly unlikely that I'll let it gain control over me.  But if I did.  It's the kind of anger that destroys relationships and explodes an already dangerous situation.  Revenge is never the way to go.  I know, I've let it gain control in the past, and told myself it was for their own good.  (insert insane evil laughter here)  But true evil never sees they are evil, they always believe they are doing good.  That they are saving someone, or its for the greater good.  That's evil I can understand.  Because I've felt it.  Felt that I knew better, in all my wisdom.  What a crock of shit. 

How can anyone else know whats best for you?  HOW? 

Only you can say how you feel.  Only you can know when you are Happy.  Or Grumpy.  Or any of the other dwarfs.  But let someone in.  Let someone love you and all of a sudden, POW.  They know.  They know what's best for you.  They try to change you into what they want you to be, instead of loving who they met.  Who you are.  Ever been there?  I have.  I thought I was done picking that guy after all my marriages, but Mr. Charisma slunk and slithered his way in.  (insert more evil laughter)  And he was just suppose to be fun.  Just suppose to keep me busy until Mr. Hopeful found his way to me.  Well.  I'm angry.  I've given up on Mr. Hopeful ever finding his way to me.  And that's good.  That's been a long time coming.  A VERY LONG TIME.  But as I've always tried to explain, the heart wants what the heart wants.  It's not very bright.  The heart.  The heart could be Dopey, and sometimes Bashful.  Because the heart loves unconditionally. 

That stupid organ!  When will it learn.  But that's the brain.  That's Doc.  Saying what you know you don't want to know, but you know it already.  Like, if he loves you he'd be with you.  GOD I hate Doc.  Even if he's right.  So today I give power to the new eighth dwarf Angry, and I'm going to let him go out into the world and just be free, like a butterfly.  Because I'm getting over what I believe now to have been the flu, since I'm on day 22 (with 6 well days in there somewhere)  So I'm going to lay back and be Sleepy and Sneezy while I watch Doctor Who, The Walking Dead, Dark Matter, and Rita.