I think I'm backwards from most people. Most everyone is making resolutions and trying to keep them. I gave up making them years ago because I never seem to keep them. Making them now its almost a guarantee that I won't do it. I try to keep on myself daily and do the things I should for my mind and body every day rather than the first few days or months of the year. Most everyone is reflecting on their last year and making internal promises to be better or not continue in an abusive relationship or addictive behavior. Again, I try that every day. It's a worrywart's natural state of being.
I was at the house party last night of Second Daughter and Second Son and I had fun getting out and being around adults. The food was good the drinks were flowing and the company was good, but not what I really wanted. No fault to anyone who was in attendance. I didn't try to be me. I was nervous and afraid in a place where I used to feel at home and loved. And it was all me. I was greeted with love and affection. People were glad to see me. People I care about tried to talk to me and strike up conversations. I listened politely to them discussing their lives and I was interested, but when it came time for me to reply to 'what I've been up to' or 'what's new' I have no smart, concise, examples of my life. I have no real changes on a daily basis of what's going on, and no new events or challenges that I've put myself into. In short, I have no more small talk.
And while that makes me appear standoffish and quiet, I actually would have a lot to say if the topic of conversation wasn't always about the small stuff. Small talk bores me, and very easily. I'd much rather talk about what movies or books you've loved or hear funny stories, or discuss the statue of the Union or the world. I rather reflect on who influences you and why, or what you read lately that really made your blood boil. Good, deep, and reveling conversations seem to have died at parties. I guess everyone is afraid of offending a friend. I'm more interested in the topics people shy away from. I like learning and believe I learn more about what really makes a person tick when they discuss sex, politics or religion.
I also am starting to really feel the generation gap between my younger friends and myself. I find that people closer to my own age are having the same issues with small talk. And while I still try to use it when I'm meeting new people, I find that I try less and less to meet anyone. This is more due to fear of failure or worse fear of success that ends up with the person leaving me. So huge abandonment issues which don't play well with strangers. And actually don't play well with anyone. I was invited to another party tonight by a couple I really like and feel I have a lot in common with, but I'm not going. I'm all socialized out from vacation and last night and I need time alone. I know I'd end up a bump on a log instead of the life of the party. And I'd rather be asked back than have my social anxiety brand me as boring. There's that fear of failure again.
I know I should have tried harder. I know I should have let my personality out. But the few times I tried it seemed to grind the conversation to a halt or force a change in topic. This didn't embarrass me like it would have say, twenty years ago, it just made me feel like I wanted a different party. Like how I felt thirty years ago. When the room didn't suit me, I left the room. Denied them of me. Ego I know, but it feels better than not feeling like you deserve to be there or are liked. Being bored at a party should only make you feel like maybe you need a different tribe to party with. Not that you don't deserve to be liked or have fun. And so it's huge growth for me that I'm letting my ego win here instead of my insecurities. Because again, I didn't have as much fun as I could have, because I didn't allow myself to.
Growth is good.
CHEERS
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