I'm torn right now between what I know to be the right path I should follow, and the one that my well meaning but brainwashing parents would want me to follow. And it would be great if this were just one facet of my life but this mental tug of war really hits on all cylinders.
Now you have to understand how deep and well meaning parents love is to really understand this. And if you don't have children, I'm sorry, but you'll have to settle for an intellectual understanding rather than the gut wrenching reality of watching your own children make the same mistakes you made. Even AFTER you told them so many, many stories about your past to convince them that turning into you is not a good idea. Now I have a son that is so bad with communication with the people he loves, you'd think he'd died. And a daughter that so far has chosen all the wrong men to be with. In other words I don't have to look very far to see myself in my children.
What this riddle of life is SUPPOSE to show you is how to fix yourself. And it works better than a mirror for showing you what the world sees. Every time my daughter and I butt heads about something personal in my life or hers I try to clam down first. Something I watched my mother do with me the older I got. I thought I was winning. When she was seeing herself and not liking it, so she grew. And every time I realize it's been longer than a week, probably more like two or even a month, since I've heard from my son, I'll pick up whatever device is near me and reach out. He responds within a few days, usually. And let me add these are straight kids. Not like I was with my parents. I needed a cushion. And I'm sure my kids need that too.
But that's absolutely normal, right? I mean I've never seen a family that didn't have it's moments of not quite fitting together. But the moments when you do fit together, movies and books and games and politics, and religion, and. . . well lets leave sex out of this one, it's not fun for any of us to get too close in that area. I know my face gets that look on it like I just swallowed cough syrup every time one of them brings up someone I know they are intimate with. But don't get me wrong here, I couldn't be happier for both of them when they are happy and in love.
I miss them every day of my life. Every single day. And we're close, and look forward to our times together. My daughter and I speak almost every day. And I'd pick her for a friend if I met her on the street. My son and I don't talk as often but when we do I feel like we're getting caught up and like no time has really passed in between. I miss us as bffs. But if you were both small I'd miss who you are now just as much. Every time I think of you I smile and am filled with calming love. My children saved my life so many times. I hate to think where I'd be if I'd never had them. For me, having children made it impossible to give up. And I think that is part of why I love being a nanny so much. I get to help raise children all day. It is the most rewarding job I've ever known.
Right now I'm going to enjoy my life. Because life is so short, and in these times so very uncertain. I know bad times are coming because I'm so happy right now. But I try not to dwell on that too much. It's a dangerous place for me. So if you see me getting quiet in a conversation, it's not usually because I don't have an opinion, its more because I'm afraid to voice it anymore. The entire country feels like it's holding it's breath, waiting to see what is going to really happen.
Hold your loved ones
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