Sunday, March 11, 2012

Fill Your Days With Life

Spring is in the air here in the great white north, and it has been for a while.  The mild winter was in itself a disappointment for those of us that enjoy some winter sports and activities in the snow, for the rest of us it was a welcome relief to the icy roads and piles of white stuff. Yesterday it was high 60s for a temp, with a waning full moon, and a warm and welcoming breeze.  The breeze made the gypsy in me come alive as I accomplished some spring cleaning in my apartment.  The first step to the gypsy in my soul packing up for the seasonal escape to richer pockets and bigger ports.  If I could I would kidnap Mr. Hopeful and we would escape, but alas that is not a possibility, and no romantic escape would be complete without him, so I will funnel this wanderlust into positive energy for our trysts, and for my solo adventures in the night.

The most dangerous thing a true gypsy can do is stay in one play too long, and I have certainly done that this time.  The roots I have developed in this city are deep, and while I know I'm never forced to be in one place anymore, I find I cannot leave for warming climates, calming ocean breezes or clean mountain air....not just yet....not while he is here, and not while we are so much a part of each others daily life.

I've argued with myself over and over about what I feel, I've tried to talk myself out of emotions that I have no control over.  Once you know you love someone, once you admit that emotion, it's very hard to ignore it.  Even if your situation is, shall we say, complicated.  Complications tend to fade into the background, and I  find that when I'm with him all I think about is us.  I'm completely in the moment.  That is so rare for me.  I usually have a very hard time at getting my mind to switch off.  But with him, all I need to see is his eyes, looking into mine, and I'm relaxed, for I know I'm loved.  His smile follows me for days and the precious little time we get together is always the highlight of my week.

And while he is not my entire life, he makes my entire life more fun and worth getting out of bed and trying.  Having someone to share everything with is the difference between filling your days with life or filling your life with days.  I spent over ten years hiding after breaking up with a man I should have married.  And that was a healing time for me, not a fun, out there dating time.  It was good for me to learn to live with me, and I was still raising my kids after my last divorce.  So it was very important to become me, not someones daughter, wife or mother.  Now with my kids grown and on their own, I am finally having my 20s in my 40s.  And let me tell you, it ROCKS.  I think it's almost better to have a wild time when you have some experience to help you make better choices....

Am I making better choices?  Some would argue that they can't see how I am, but I know I am.  And that's all that really matters.  Being able to like yourself and your choices.  That's the secret to a life with no regrets.  That's the easy part.  The hard part is growing and changing with your choices.  And seeing life from all sides, all the gray areas, and accepting them.  Getting rid of the preconceptions, and judgmental attitudes.  Accepting your morals.  Accepting who you are.  Even if you aren't perfect.  Guess what?  No one is.  Everyone makes mistakes.  And some of the worst things that have happened to me, have turned out to be the best things.  And all the people I love the most, have lived life, and not only understand this, but preach it too.  Life is short, ask yourself this question:  When am I going to live the life I want and that makes me happy, instead of the life I have?  Now if you answer this question with a number, you need to either do that and set your plan in motion, or just start now...start today.  If you can't answer this question, then you really need to think about your life and come up with something to make you happy, and if you laugh at this because you are already living that life....well my friend, you get to come to my island on my boat, as soon as I get it.