I'm starting to feel like I should concentrate on one thing and then everything else will just fall into place. It's getting harder and harder to keep track of everything, and the stress level, while manageable now, can only get worse.
My job is starting to kick off, and to keep it like this I need a lot of determination, a little luck, and the discipline to keep trying. That's the easy and the hard part. Rejection is not an easy thing to live with. Weather it's from a prospect or, say a lover.
I think I'm getting much better at the rejection from both avenues. I've had enough rejection at work to get used to the 'No, thanks, just not interested' or 'I don't need it,' responses. And this has helped my business. What I need to get use to is the personal rejection.
For example: Like when the man you really want to be with is too busy to see you, and you find yourself not only willing but happy to just be near him. Even if you can't touch, or talk, or be yourselves. Or like when you watch one of your toys try to tell you that he's not a date, when he is, and the mini hope you had of perhaps playing with said toy, vanish right along with your self esteem.
The good news is that I had so much fun at all the events where I ran into said men, that it didn't really matter all that much. And it never became the focus of my night or my feelings. (Yay personal growth) I was having too much fun to be jealous or regret a thing. And both men were as attentive as they could be under the circumstances, so I give them props for that and know I will run into them again under more desirable circumstances.
The week and weekend have been jam packed with things to do and friends to hang out with. I am very blessed by them. One of my 'daughters' took such good care of me last night, as I had a bit too much to drink at the Pat McCurdy new CD release party. And earned the new nickname, 'Cleavage', by Pat, as he called me up on the stage to dance with him and one of my favorite pat head friends. I'm sure I was blushing as I took the stage with "The Super Hot Finance", and was rewarded with the wide, (and one knowing) grins of my friends and toy. And I while I went downtown after with a group of them, I was drinking water only by then, I was able to see that my toy and his 'date' were looking less and less date like.
But, in life you gotta try right? And you have to be able to let people go and do their thing. They will anyway, so you need to get use to the idea that you really only have control over you. And in all honestly that is all you should want to or need to have control over. So when loved ones disappoint you remember to do this: take a breath, think about the long term, and decipher your feelings before you act. Because it can really suck if you don't. And you acquire all the you wished for only to find out that now you are stuck with someone you can't get rid of. This is why I'd rather not chase, but chased instead. At least then I know I am desired without a doubt.
I wanted freedom, and boy to I have it. Now that I have it I find that I'm becoming okay again with being single. Two years ago I awakened the sleeper....my lust and libido...and that has been very rewarding and I've learned a lot about myself in the process. Some things that have surprised me, but I bet, quite frankly have not surprised some of you.
Well, all I can say to that, is we all learn at different levels and when you are reflecting on yourself, it can take much longer then when you see it in another. I know I deserve better than what I'm settling for, but as long as I'm happy, that should be all that matters to anyone. Because after all, isn't that what we are all trying to be....happy?
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