I used to be a fantastic conversationalist. Loved to listen to someone rant or discuss or debate something they were passionate about, and I can dive right in there with the best of them because I'm never afraid of what someone may think of my opinion. I figure once I'm talking with you about a topic...once I've opened that door to listen to your beliefs on religion, politics, sex, or even easier passions like books, movies and writing, then it's fair game for you to listen to me too. And since I'm really picky with whom I talk to anyway...I'm not usually disappointed. And I come away with new things to be passionate about much more often than any negative result.
But lately, just in the last couple of months really, I'm so preoccupied over my financial issues, that I find I can't communicate verbally, and I'm only a slightly better texting. This is shocking to me as if you know me, I'm a motor mouth. I'm finding that my attention span has dwindled. This is also not good news because I think I'm one of those adult ADHD with HDTV adults. Of course if you knew my mother you know she would have believed that no daughter of hers had any disorder of any kind. Her generation didn't believe in that kind of thing. They just rubbed dirt on any wound, said get up and get your shit together. But I'm so obsessed with needing a job, that I can't focus on pleasant conversation anymore. At parties, I'm either a lump of no comments in the corner , imagining myself homeless or being all wistful about the one that got away, or depending on the alcohol level, I'm commenting almost too passionately about my opinion. And well, you know that person at parties, and that conversation is over, so I'm then back to gazing at nothing and imagining what I can actually take with me to live in my car, and what would have to go into storage.
I've heard comments before from friends saying they wish they were as passionate about their beliefs as I am, and frankly I'm not sure how not to be passionate about what I believe in...I believe in it after all. But with my mind so focused on what I'm going to do in four short weeks without a weekly paycheck, I've become a bore to myself.
I used to be intelligent and have my finger on the pulse of many topics, and could at least ask questions or comment. But now I'm finding that my entire brain is either focused on trying to find a job, or day dreaming about what could have been with that one that got away. I find I just don't care about anything else but finding a job that pays me so I can get back to being me.
So, let me take this opportunity to say I'm sorry to all my friends and family for being such a bore. And thank you for listening to me worry about my future. Thank you if you are one of the friends that has tried to distract me with weekly trivia events, or movies, or video games, or lunches. I do need to keep my mind occupied or I might just...well...Oh Snap! :)