Sunday, July 22, 2012

A Great Start Turns Sour

“We always see our worst selves. Our most vulnerable selves. We need someone else to get close enough to tell us we’re wrong. Someone we trust.” ― David Levithan, Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List

I had an interesting week to say the least.  I knew without a doubt that I would be celebrating two more birthdays on Saturday, after my own smash birthday the Saturday before.  I also had my weekly trivia team to look forward to on Monday and a blissful escape with Mr. Hopeful midweek, so the week had a lot of anticipation in the 'living life' category.  Work was...well work...struggling as usual, but seeing some money now, so the stress is a little less, although more money would erase most of my attitude problem.

Monday started with a bang.  We won trivia!  Earlier that day I got a mysterious text, and Mr. Confident made another appearance, surprisingly, out of the blue, after almost 6 months of nothing.  This is a 'toy' in training, and I've given up on him many more times than I've counted on him.  In fact I don't count on him and I rarely think of him at all, except when he texts.  So...having not had a good pounding in three months, I accepted.  What the hell, I'm a single woman, and I still say who and when.  And while I was a tiny bit guilty, because I don't love him, I love someone else, I was also shall we say, in great need of the distraction.  And while he is young, and selfish lover, he does follow direction well.  I don't instruct.  I know, with my experience I should, but it's a waste of my time, and I like to see what they know, and if they are worth training before I go there.  Only Mr. Hopeful has proven he is worth training...and that's because he doesn't need my instructions, he instructs me.  Which makes all the difference for me.  

And my blissful escape with Mr. Hopeful...all you need to know is that I'm still smiling, and he is the bright spot of light in my corner of darkness.  Every time life gets too serious or scary or hopeless, I think of us, of him, and I smile.  And it gives me the strength to keep going.  I suppose that feeling alone makes us more than lovers, makes us friends.  He helps me to see my best self, and while I love him, I often wonder if he loves me or loves the reflection of himself that he sees in me.  I know I trust him.  I know he knows me, probably better than anyone ever has understood me, he does somehow, and still likes me.  He is one of the only people in my life that I trust enough to tell me I'm wrong, and believe him.  I actually think our friendship is much more important than our highly proficient sex.   But I have to admit, I think I'm addicted to him.  And the way I feel when  I'm with him.  He sees my worst self, as I do, and convinces me I'm wrong for he sees my best self, which I never see.

I have another friend Mr. Practical...I haven't spoken of him on my blog in a long time by his nickname, but my relationship with him is very similar to Mr. Hopeful....he's just so damn far away that I can't touch him.  And so our relationship has gone full circle to before we actually met, and touched, and discovered that our feelings translated from the mysterious ether of the web to the undeniable honesty in our eyes.  I trust him and his opinions, without question.  Because we debate issues, we discuss openly differences of opinions on every subject level.  And we have learned by being completely honest with each other, even when it hurt so much that it seemed we had lost it all, that we were able to save it all.  This is a priceless friendship and one I will never give up.

And this brings me to the trust and friendship part, the two birthdays I mentioned...well one happened, my girlfriends, and I was all dressed up for the other one...all night....waiting for text or a message the the party had started for his birthday.  Never got an invite, never got a shout out that things were cancelled, nothing....Of course I got crazy girl brain.  We've been good friends and confidants for over 10 years....I was irritated, angry and then like most chicks, threw my hands up in the air and said, 'fuck it' and continued t0 have a good time with my real friends...the ones that actually wanted me around.  This is what I mean by my worst self, and being vulnerable....this is when I need Mr. Hopeful or Mr. Practical to convince me that I'm wrong...that I'm jumping to conclusions, that there was a miss-communication, or maybe no party happened and you didn't miss a thing...wait and talk to him before you jump.  

While I'm perfectly capable of giving myself the advice that they would give...I find myself not believing it.  I find my intuition....itching.  I find my gut....not buying it.  I feel as if I was told there would be something, not sure what, a time, not sure where, and to be ready for a call that never came.  This is my error not his.  You see, this is me trusting where I should not.  This is my worst self.  This is where I ruin everything, because I believe, on some level, that I deserve to be treated this way, so I look for it to happen, and it does.  

I expect to be let down, because they do.  I expect to be lied to, because they lie about me....I'm a dirty little secret.  But you know, its mostly in their minds.  I'm a fantasy to them that they can't admit to having.  And I'm not complaining about being a fantasy, I guess I'd rather be a fantasy than a reality with all of them, except one.  And I'd rather be his fantasy than nothing, because I'm addicted.  

I learned a lesson last night that I thought I'd learned years ago.  Never depend on anyone else for your happiness or your fun, even if they are a friend and promise you they will be there, they will let you down.  Not because of who you are or who they are, but because the minute you stop trusting yourself to be in control of your own are not only vulnerable, but you are a fool.  Because only you can disappoint yourself, only you can make yourself happy.  I put too much anticipation into an event that never occurred, instead of enjoying the event that did.  I'm glad this disappointment came in a week with so many wonderful moments.  I'm glad that I relearned this, and while I can't wait for the story, I'm seriously hoping I can wait for him to tell me, and not ask.  As a writer I actually like it when they try to lie to me, I see through it every time, but I almost never call them on it to their faces.  I keep trusting, and letting them see that I trust them.  

Why do I do this, you ask?
                                                             What else can I do?