Sunday, July 1, 2012

I Go To Extremes.....

So once again I've been told that I go to extremes.  My highs...too high...my lows...too low.  And I'm pondering this over coffee this morning.  What does it actually mean to be told this.  I know I'm an emotional soul and that information hits me in a very real way, because I'm very connected to my loved ones.  I actually care.  Perhaps too much, but I do care.  But I don't just sit here an become emotional without information, without an exchange of ideas.  You tell me something in your life and I'm going to react, because I can. I feel.  I still have emotions and I express them.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, and hiding is not my natural state.  I can fake it with the best of them, but if I love you, I won't fake it.  For the simple fact that I shouldn't have to hide from my loved ones.  They should get me, because they love me too.  

And for the most part I believe that they do.  But there is a special person in my life that I'm having issues with right now, in understanding, that if you tell me I make you feel bad, or negative, or that I've hurt you; well I'm going to try my best to fix that, aren't I?  I'm going to try to never do that again, and apologize.  That's what people do when they have wronged each other and care about losing each other.  Even if it's not my fault...even if you tell me that it's all your fault....I am not going to be happy if my presence in your life does not bring you joy.  And what person in there right mind would want to make people miserable by being in their lives?  No one.  That's who.  We all hope that our friendships and loves are joyful, if they weren't why have them?  I don't believe in torture of the heart, or destruction of the ego to build a person into who they should be.  I believe that if you tell a person they are bad, eventually they will believe it.  I believe that some words cannot be taken back...so be very careful what you say.  I also believe that actions speak louder than words, and that is information as well.  When a person's actions don't match their words, that causes an emotional reaction as well.  

Again, I'm not stupid.  I'm actually quite sensitive and observant.  I just don't always admit to myself what I see...what I know....what I've been told is sometimes not what I want to hear. Sometimes I don't want to know the truth.  I don't want to know even when it's standing right in front of me.  And as stressed as we all are in this economy, with our jobs on the line or in the unemployment line, we are all human, and all in the same boat.  And we could all do better to remember to cut each other some slack.  After all you aren't the only person with stress, and you should never offer what you can't deliver.  Weather that's a hand in friendship or, a heart for compassion, a body for sex, or a mind for solutions.

Being true to yourself will erase all stress and guilt.  Embracing who you are is the fist step.  Accepting that you may not be the person you think you are, is also the first step to becoming that person.  This is how change happens.  Not from fighting yourself and trying to convince yourself that you are a good person when you clearly are not perfect. No one is.  Everyone has their flaws and faults, we either embrace them, or change them.  Nothing else we can do.  Your attitude is what you can control.  Here is the difference.  You can live life and love who you are and then have no regrets over your choices, OR you can hate your life and who you are and regret and second guess every choice.  But let me caution you right here.  If you think you are being honest with yourself and you hate yourself...you haven't embraced who you are.  Or you are, and you are refusing the change you need to do to love yourself.  Either way is not good, not healthy, and will cause more stress. 

Hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but it's true.  I spent my 20's lying to myself about love and who I was, as opposed to who I wanted to be or who I thought I was.  But I bet most of us do that in our 20's as we are finding ourselves.  In my 30's I was really starting to like who I was becoming, and I met some of the best people in my life then, the greatest love, and losses as it turned out...shocking considering my 20's but there it is.  But you never know what you've got till it's gone, eh?  But through all that I was still on a road to discovery...want to know a secret?  I still am.  In two weeks I'll be 50, and I still am discovering new things about my heart, mind and body.  As alone as you may see me, I am happy.  And I have no regrets for the loves I have tried, and lost.  Well...i do regret losing one in particular he is and will always be the greatest love of my life and everyone after him is....an option I guess.  I suppose I could be surprised.  But I rarely am, except by him.  I can't even stay angry at him.  Damn it.

Take it Billy Joel...:D