I'm not really sure where to begin, the last week of Oktoberfest was a whirlwind of parties and commitments, Monday-Saturday I had something going on every night last week, from the usual weekly trivia team and a Pat McCurdy concert, to two birthdays (one my daughter's) and one wedding, (my son's). SIDEBAR: I was going to blog about how crazy insane and stupid it was for none of my kids dads to make it to their son's wedding, but I figured since they obviously don't care, why should I?
A busy busy week, with no time to even stop to catch my breath. Such a week of changes it seems like everyone is making significant changes to their lives. I'm not actually making any changes in my life, but everyone's changes are sure effecting my life. (Cue Changes, by Bowie)
I feel like big changes are in the air, maybe it's just that fall is quickly spinning into winter here, no snow here yet but flurries north of here...only a matter of time, and once again, I do not feel ready for the winter, this year more than next, but while I am planning to snuggle in for a long winter, others are spreading their wings and trying new adventures in jobs, or locations, or living arrangements, some more than one of these. Mr. Practical has even gone so far as to quit Facebook in an attempt to have more time to write or do the things he wants to do. Which doesn't effect us, as we've not communicated on Facebook for over a year. And still talk almost every day. I've actually thought of giving Facebook up myself, but it is still the one place I can easily keep up with everyone, and not have to be afraid that I'm drifting from them. And as sad as this is going to sound, I believe it's the wave of the future not a comment on my loneliness; but, most of my friends and social activities that happen, happen through Facebook. And granted these are friends or lovers that are personal people in my life, that can actually arrange to meet me in person, I would hope if I disappeared off Facebook they would still call on the phone (does anyone do that anymore?) or text me what was up.....but I wonder. People get so busy. And for me and Mr. Hopeful it is the only form of communication, I'm obviously not going to give that up without and alternate. And That Guy? Well he always seems to find me, even when I don't want to be found, so for him I'm not all that concerned that we'd ever drift for long.
Normally all the changes in my loved ones lives would bring me to the edge of an un-lived and imagined future of dramatic forgone conclusions. Mountains out of molehills....I'm good at making them, and sometimes in their creation I bring about the exact fearful future that I envision. This is bad. This is a very, very bad result and certainly, tragically, the one I'm trying to avoid. But sometimes, when I can't control a situation. Or I can't see an immediate solution to a problem I can see coming at me full tilt, I feel like I'm suddenly in a leaky kayak with a broken oar, approaching the Colorado River rapids. But this morning, I don't. I'm surprised by this new growth. This new letting go of control, or rather letting go of the stress of the uncontrollable. Its been changing in me slowing, with baby steps for the last two years, but this morning, I'm not paralyzed, or jealous, or anxious. I'm actually relaxed, dreamy and hopeful. This boosts my confidence and sensuality. Which is very, very good. And this is all due to communication. The right communication. Open, honest, and not hiding anything for fear of causing pain. Pain is life, but pain only hurts if you let it. It's trite, but attitude is everything, and I choose hope over regret. Finally.