Sunday, November 18, 2012

Digging Deeper

This week has been a whirlwind of demands on my time, which has been very flattering and exhausting. Mr. Hopeful requested my presence last night, and of course I went, and we had wonderful time together.  Even better for me because we were much more sober than our big date last week.  Two times in two weeks, I'm going to get spoiled by this.

Then there was Mr. Charisma.  Talk about making a girl feel special, three times this week and he wants to see me tonight as well.  (Getting a jump on next week).  I may need a weekend to rest up from my weekend.  I have brunch with the girls at Dublin Square at 11 this morning and I'm going to do my best to be awake.  

I don't know what it is, but I feel so connected to them both and I have a great time when I'm with them and I know I'm being selfish in keeping them both, but I can't choose.  And so far, I haven't been asked to, and don't believe I will be.  But it makes me wonder about myself.  How selfish am I?  Do I really need all this attention to feel this happy?  Because, honestly I haven't feel this happy in a long time....not since...And if that's true, then I guess I have to admit some things about myself that might not be too pleasant, but that wouldn't be the first time there either.  I have always felt that I didn't share well, being an only child, and I believe there was a time in my life where I could never have been the woman I am now.  But I think the role of a mistress suits me.  I know this is a hard thing to admit but I think I need to understand how I've grown and changed over the last two years.

The way I see it, there are many moral lines in the sand that we draw and say we will never never cross.  And for some of us that is life.  They have drawn their lines in the sand and are still standing in that emotional cave, trapped.  For me, my personal journey has been more like drawing a line in the sand, and than having Fate put right in front of me, the very scenario I swore I would never accept.  As if she were saying, "Oh yeah?  Never say never!  Lets see what you do with THIS.  BAM!"  And the exact opportunity presents itself, and I am left standing at a crossroads of decision.  'Should I?'  'Dare I?' Of course, I fail, and cross the line.  Only to stubbornly draw another line in the sand and demand that I pay attention to THIS boundary  because we are not crossing it.  (Did I just start talking about myself in third person?  shit..)

**WE INTERRUPT THIS STORY TO BRING YOU INSIGHT.  PAY ATTENTION.  ITS FREE.** (Of course if I'm talking about myself in third person that can only mean that I've already snapped and this is the moment of clarity inside the insanity.  We now return to the Crazy Girl Brain.)**

So now I am asking myself, why?  Why do I cross that line?  Don't get me wrong, I haven't crossed ALL of my moral lines in the sand....yet....what scares me, just a little, is that I have crossed a couple of really big ones.  Huge ones.  In fact in the last two years, since this blog journey started, has been the most surprising, and yet fulfilling of my life.  And not just in the physical by any means, but that has been huge, and needed.  You see before this time I had spent almost a decade licking my wounds and being a social hermit where men were concerned.  I had my girl friends and a few male friends, very taken and very safe.  (Remember I wasn't the me I am now)  But no one I wanted to love or be loved by.  And since Mr. Practical, and Mr. Hopeful came into my lives I've found my heart has reawakened in it's desire to be loved.  Which brings me to Mr. Charisma, and another line crossed.  But look at me drawing another line in the sand, and proudly nodding my resolve that this place in my journey is as far as I'm willing to go.  Wanna hear something really sad and scary?  I'm not sure I believe it anymore than you do.

So the only thing I can do, is realize this is personal growth, for good or ill, it really doesn't matter.  For as Hunter S. Thompson is oft quoted,  " Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "Wow!  What a Ride!"  It may not be your goal, but it totally is mine.
sidenote:  I'd also like to be sitting bitch in this car.  :D