Sunday, November 25, 2012

Changes

I can feel it in the air...
Change is coming, and not it's not just winter, it's real change.
Something clicked yesterday, something that's been missing in my life for a long time, is back.  And for the last twenty-four hours, I've been trying to put my finger on what it is that exactly changed.  You know that's the hardest part, right?  When change actually occurs.  Change is tricky that way; change takes its time.  If you were conscience of it you would see how agonizingly a slow process change really is.  And yet once it occurs, once you are aware of the change, it can seem but an instant.  And you and your life are forever changed....different, but the same.  Almost like a 'new and improved you'.  This is starting to happen to me.  A sudden realization of a very slow change in who I am as compared to who I pretend to be.  Right now I'm smiling at the visual in my head, of each of you reading this and smiling, because you already know this to be true, and you feel you know the real me and the 'act' me...

...but do you?

Interesting question, and if you said, 'Yes', interesting answer.  Considering I sometimes don't even know.  But I won't argue with you, mostly because you aren't here and can't, but also because that's what real love is all about isn't it?  Getting to know someone on the most intimate levels and still wanting to be with them.  Knowing them almost better sometimes than they know themselves.  Or even more, feel that pang of desire when they aren't around.  Not just missing them, feeling like you are somehow lacking something, without them near you.  I know what some people say, that you shouldn't need a man to complete you.  And it really isn't that, it's more of finding the most attentive audience member.

Yeah, you heard me right.  For me, when I really like a guy, he could be talking about dirt and I'd find it fascinating.  And really want to know more about dirt, and would start to become an expert in it.  Just so I can talk with him about dirt...cuz he loves it.  I rarely feel like I get that back at the same level of interest.  I say rarely because right now I really do feel there are two men in my life that really do seem to want to, not only know who I am, but want me to know who they are.  And I love this part of discovery in love.  I'm fascinated with the different levels of love.  Where each time we fall we feel 'AHH...This is it!  No love could possibly make me feel any more satisfied than this!"  That is until the next love comes along, and it's somehow, impossibly, deeper.  More intimate.  More sensual.  More of everything that was great in the last love, and then you find yourself saying. 'AHH.  Now I understand...THIS is it!'  Only to find in time, that you were wrong again.  And the next love will be even greater.

I suppose because my experience in this department has always been greater with each love, that I feel that nothing lasts forever.  Except love.  Love has been a constant in my life.  I know this is why I become so insistent and urgent in love.  As if time would rob me of the best moments.  And right now, I'm so torn between the two of them, and I'm happy with them both, and with our current situations which are not ideal for expressing everything that we'd like to express.  Time is the real enemy here, and is robbing us of some of the best moments...and yet...perhaps...less is more.  Perhaps I love them both so much, not because of the way they make me feel, but because we never know if this time was the last.  We are more aware of the fact because we live separate, complete lives.  And our lives could rip us from each other at any moment.  Makes our moments together much more special, and since they are so precious we are always at our best together.  Even if we start out stressed and having the worst days ever, once we see each other, and can touch, and share everything that we are as individuals, everything else just disappears.

I'm amazed, and I crave that feeling all the time.  And get jealous for it.  Of course I tend to border on obsessive behavior.  And I'm a bit of an extrovert and flirt, but that doesn't mean it isn't real.  In fact for sensual people, for those of us who are hopeless romantics, well....lets just say it doesn't take much for our minds to wander back to each other.  And the connection I feel with them both is so strong now.  They occupy my thoughts and I find myself sighing, and smiling.  That can't be all bad?  Right?