Now this song is my attempt to see me through their eyes. And kind of the way I see myself when I'm with them. If you don't know this song, I suggest you really read the lyrics because it hits home for me on many levels. And last week, while Mr. Hopeful has been absent almost the entire month....four weeks next week, and Mr. Charisma and I had our first real fight about 'having it all', I've discovered that it means very different things for them than it does for me.
For them, I believe it means keeping me as insurance...just in case they decide that they have had enough in their complicated relationships....had enough torment, had enough being cheated on, had enough being 'teased' to the point of pain, had enough fighting in front of the kids and wondering why they are acting out, had enough doing their 'marriage bed duties' without any passion attached, and possibly had enough hollow and pathetic experiences with strippers, or prostitutes, who they help to force into a debasing status by paying them to reduce their moral rank in the eyes of what should be their equals. Lets get one thing straight here, I do not hate strippers or hookers, I hate the men that keep them down, and make these young women feel like this is all they can do. Poor dears. What they don't want to see, in their male egos, is that most if not all of these woman are destroyed in some way, many by their own fathers, brothers, boyfriends, husbands. And some even believe this is their choice. They like you as long as you have money. Hey, whatever gets you through the job, right? But it's a profession that has a very short span of time where you can be successful, as the physical body ages. Then what do these women do? Especially if their money has not been saved for a future. Attach themselves to a regular 'mark' for money and a lifetime of favors, perhaps some are clever enough for that. And ask yourself this, can they ever trust any man after that lifestyle? Seems a hard road, and why I don't help them financially.
But for me, having it all is about, for once, feeling like I am in charge of my heart. Following my instincts and breaking down my walls of jealousy, and control, and just learning how to love. And hopefully picking the right man who, while is not dead and can appreciate a beautiful woman, doesn't have to have every woman to prove I am real. To prove the feelings for me are real. For me, having it all means I can walk with this man, hand and hand and when we stumble we will be able to communicate and fix it and never make the same mistakes again. Different ones, for sure, but not the same ones. Each helping the other up, for we both will make mistakes. For me this time it has included the unfortunate timing of feeling in love with two men at the same time, and I'm so torn. I thought I had learned this lesson years ago, but apparently Fate believes I need another shot at making the right choice, and here I go again, paralyzed with doubt and fear. Fear that they are both just using me, fear that I am just using them to fill a void, or at least one of them. And the fear that I will make a choice only to be hurt again, knowing that I once again, could not see the forest for the trees.
You know they say Fate will place the same issue in front of you, to see if you will make the same mistake again. And will keep doing it until you get it right. So if you see a pattern in your past that you say to yourself, "it's always the same thing" or "they are all alike" or "when will I learn" perhaps the problem is not with them but with YOU. Perhaps you need to find your inner strength, your convictions, your boundaries and stick to them. No matter how painful. For I really believe I found that strength last week, as Mr Charisma and I were able to make up and move forward. I have decided that he has earned the same respect and long...VERY LONG leash I gave Mr. Hopeful. And while I know they are not mine to collar...(although I like that image. hehe) In a way, since my heart is involved, they are. And we shall see what they do with their leashes. Its about trust and honesty. Remember the old saying, "If you give a dog enough leash he will hang himself." I honestly hope they don't. But if they do, I feel confident that I will find someone that will take my honest trust in them, and not betray me. And not want or need to be with anyone but me. I know it's a lot to hope for, but recently I've been told by friends and both of them, that I am enough for any man. I wonder if they hear what they are saying. I wonder if they believe it. Doesn't matter, I do.
Another old saying comes to mind that fits here, "Just because I have ordered doesn't mean I can't look at the menu." I agree. LOOK. That doesn't include eating or touching. LOL
Ok I can't resist posting the song. It's the Foo Fighters. :D enjoy