Sunday, February 17, 2013

Lonely Boy - The Black Keys

Originally I had planned to post something completely different about this song, but after the week I had, what I have to tell you will still fit.  It has been rather eventful both in the actual events and in the dreams of events or even in the invitations.  What a week of invitations!  But lets start with the bad news and work our way up to the surprising shall we?

Tuesday I lost my job, actually due to downsizing it no longer exists.  But fear not, I am strong and bounce back quickly and have two interviews next week.  Single parent gut reflex....I hit the ground running.  I guess I should thank my ex husbands for that strength.  Had they never left me, or me deciding to leave them, I never would have known how strong I could be.  I never could have grown to this point of acceptance in my life of who I really am.

Wednesday of last week is when all the surprising stuff started to happen.  Wednesday night is my trivia night and I love my trivia team and look forward to seeing them.  And due to last weeks flu, and a date each Wednesday for two weeks running, one with Mr. Charisma and one with Mr. Hopeful, I haven't been in a long time. So I dressed up in a low cut sweater and a jean skirt that shows off my legs, and decided to have some fun just being me.  And guess who I ran into?  Crisis.  Of all men, a Lonely Boy that I hadn't heard from in over a year.  I'd actually deleted him from my phone due to lack of interest.  I don't chase...well I do once I'm caught, but this guy can't close the deal.  He was with a table of male friends and after his initial shock at seeing me and response, of "WOW you look great."  I decided we needed to catch up, so I opened the door...something I'm expert at.  Told him to meet me outside....he never did.  Actually just watched me from a far unable to admit to himself and perhaps his young friends (remember this one is too young for me anyway and is a retired toy) that the old woman who was talking to him was more important to him than he was willing to admit....Lonely boy indeed.  I wrote it off as a good thing I deleted him.  Can't close the deal.  Fast forward to Friday night at 10pm, when I'm already at a surprise birthday party for a girlfriend, cuz I get booked early and NEVER do booty calls from toys....guess what he wanted?  You got it....to see if I was available.  And of course I turned him down.  Poor LonelyBboy, guess he didn't learn anything from last year.  And I was right to delete him.

After Crisis left, guess who showed up at the bar same night....another long lost toy....you got it....Mr. Confident.  What a surprise.  Also been over 7 months since I saw him, and yet in the last few months, about every 2 or so, he has texted me with what I can only assume is/are some of his best come on lines.  Lonely Boy number two.  While I'm not going to share his immature (he's almost 30) and completely self absorbed lines I can tell you they are not good ones.  In fact I'm not attracted to his personality at all, and can only admit that he was an experiment.  You see last year, if you remember, was my attempt to follow the wishes of one of the great loves in my life, Mr. Hopeful, when he told me that I should still keep looking for Mr. Right and have fun.  Mr. Confident is not anywhere close to anything but an assignment.  Cold I know.  And now that he still seems interested in sex, I am not.  And my kind heart won't hurt him, but I won't say yes either.  I must fix that and try to be as honest as I can and let him down easy.  Don't feel too sorry for him, he's a player.  He kind of deserves this treatment.  Revenge for all the women he has hurt.

Now earlier in the week, Mr. Charisma, on our Monday night scheduled date, took me to a nice restaurant for a romantic pre-valentine dinner...he also surprised me with a valentine day lunch.  (see he understands about scheduling with me ahead of time if he really wants to see me....Lonely Boy number three)  And we have spent the rest of the week arguing off and on about why I should break up with him and why he should leave me only to decide that while neither of us want to stop seeing each other, and have all these incredible feelings for each other, we are doing the 'whats best for me' dance.  I hate this dance, and am quite familiar with it.  As Mr. Hopeful, a year ago, did the same dance with me.  I really wish the men in my life would let me decide what's best for me.  If I'm willing to live this life, let me live it.

Which brings me to the original Lonely Boy in my life, Mr. Hopeful, who was hoping to see me last night but once again we could not connect.  It seems to my heart, and I could be wrong, but it seems to my heart that he wants to be with me the most and unfortunately gets to see me the least.  And it's all that our schedules just don't match up.  Now that I'm looking for work that might help us, but I doubt it.  He really is much busier than anyone understands.  And while I know he is lonely and I want to cure that, I can't....well not as much as I would like.  So I wait...boy do I wait, and hope as he does, that someday we will be able to see each other as much as we secretly want to.

With Mr. Hopeful and Mr. Charisma, I feel like the Lonely Boy, with a love that keeps me waiting, but it's worth it.  I've come to the realization that I could be happy with either of them.  Very happy for a life time.  I honestly believe that that cruel, cold, bitch Fate has done this to me on purpose, so I could finally emotionally understand the difficult situation Mr. Practical was trying to make three years ago....wow...has it been that long?  I never understood really being in love with two people at the same time before now.  Because in my heart even when I've been involved with more than one person at a time there was always a clear winner.  Always.  And that was the man I eventually chose or was with or fought for, or lost everything to be with...choose your past scenario with care my ex's....for I know you read this too.  ;)  But this time...this time...Its a tie, for now.  And this confuses me as where they are similar they are a perfect fit for me, and where they are different they are so different, from me and from each other.  Actually one is a better fit in the 'with me' department, but I'm not sure that's a good thing.  I married three men that were better fits with me and look what happened there.....

I guess we are all Lonely Boys and maybe Lost Boys too...looking for our Neverland together.  And it's experiencing the journey together that is the key.  I'm not giving up, but I am watching and waiting and hoping.