Is love so fragile
And the heart so hollow?
Shatter with words
Impossible to follow
Saying I'm fragile
I try not to be
I search only
For something I can see
I have my own life
And I am stronger
Than you know
But I carry this feeling
When you walked into my house
That you won't be walking out the door
Lovers forever, face to face
My city or mountains
Stay with me stay
I need you to love me
I need you today
Give to me your leather
Take from me my lace...
I love this song, and it's no secret that I'm a huge fan of her lyrics. The gypsy and poet in my gravitates toward her music, and this song, fits my life in so many areas. Right now with what I'm going through in my love life, it's almost a mantra of who I am and what I am looking for. I'm often hopeful that the man in my heart will want to stay with me, forever. I'm scared of the emotion, but deep down inside, no matter how afraid I am to be happy, I still believe that there is someone out there that can help me past that fear, and just hold me and understand why my fragile heart breaks so easily.
They say that the strongest people are really the most tender, and I believe it. For I have been told by many lovers over the years how strong I am. How they can't leave their wives because it seems cruel when the wife loves them so. Or they can't leave their finance because she is so much more in need of them, and I am so strong, I will be okay. Or they can't commit to me because they are not ready, they want their freedom to not be tied down, to play the field, to experience the slivers of all of humanity in an attempt to understand themselves better (that last one was one of the better ones, actually).
Everyone has a reason or and excuse for leaving me, or making me feel like I'm just not good enough or worth being the one they change their lives for. Or with rather. I don't want to change anyone, I just want someone to love me so much, they don't need anyone else. I'm not saying they can't be turned on by others, I am all the time, but I don't act on it. And while the passionate side of my heart, the side I connect with on a sexually intimate level, after the mental intimate level, is torn in two. I am still an unfair, jealous bitch. Yep...you heard me right...I'm an unfair, jealous bitch. But I'm working on it.
You see, it's not fair of me to have my two great loves and not decide between them. Even if they don't want me to, or need me to. You see, they are happy I have each of them because that makes them feel less guilty for staying with their wives, and still wanting and being with me. It also makes them realize that if they get too busy the other one will pick up the slack so that I will be cared for and taken care of, or just to give them a little piece from my CGB. (Crazy Girl Brain). It's not fair of me to have them both, and still be jealous of their wives or girlfriends or both. And yet I'm a firm believer in not asking a man to give up his extra women. They will tell you they are, and they don't. So it does you no good to ask, or beg, or threaten. I never wanted to be a mistress. I never wanted to fall in love with a man that was taken. But I have. And now that its happened, and I've crossed all those precious lines of morality that I drew for myself over the years, I'm still unfair. And you would think this experience would have taught me how to share. If nothing else. LOL
And in many ways it has, or is. I am feeling much better today than I have since Thursday. Perhaps I am learning that I don't have to figure everything and everyone out. Its difficult for me, as I tend to love to delve into the inner workings of the heart and mind of everyone I meet. I find it fascinating the way people think. Unfortunately, I'm an odd duck in this arena. While most people do this and never reach a physical connection, I tend to push my mental connection and heart connection into the next obvious connection...physical. This is where I open up a HUGE kettle of fish that not everyone can handle. Someone told me recently that I connect with sex. While this is right it is also very wrong. I connect first with the mind, then with the heart, sometimes it is just lust in the heart, but if the mental connection was there, it is quickly love. Love and desire that needs a physical bond to totally connect and get the man behind my armor and walls. And its a wonderful place to be...so safe and secure in our emotions together that we know we can tell each other anything and everything and find solace support and love. No matter how unfair, or awful we may feel about ourselves. And when its a joyous sharing...it's better than any other.
And while I crave and need this kind of intimacy, I'm finding, for the first time in my life, that meeting someone that wants to be as honest with me as I am with others, is quite frankly a bit too much information. I find that while my intellectual friend side can be completely detached and because of my love give advice without any hidden agenda. The lover side, the physical intimate side, rages with a possessive jealousy and inquisitive barrage of questions I would not put to a murder suspect on the stand. And no man or woman should have to go through that kind of scrutiny. No one would pass. Including myself.
I've always prided myself on being hard on my friends and holding them to a higher standard. And no matter how hard I am on them, I've always been harder on myself. Ms. Perfect. HA. In this area...I'm an a great and utter failure. I see it for the first time in my life, how unfair I have been to the men in my past and in my present. And I'm trying to stop. It may be too late to save any relationships with Mr. Hopeful or Mr. Charisma. But my love for them will not leave just because they might have to run screaming from me.
You might think I've been a great fool to love such unattainable men, but I can only answer in another Stevie Lyric from Unconditional Love:
Why would I be a fool and break these ties
When all the dreams I believe are in your eyes
Don't you see at last, you don't even have to ask
I'll give you so much more than just a second chance
I'll be there when you fall.
One condition of love
Is there are none at all.