Sunday, March 31, 2013

Always A Woman - Billy Joel

This Easter Sunday brings me to more relaxed state than I have been in many, many years.  In six days it will be the 14th anniversary of my mothers death, and it has been 19 days since my dad died.  And I can feel both of them near me, as if they are, by their memory, somehow letting me know that they are watching over me and that everything is going to be okay.

At work I sold my first truck and my first jeep and delivered both yesterday.  I feel like if I don't give up, I will be good at this in time.  I know two cars in one week is not a lot in comparison to the guys I'm working with, but I am assured by their experience that they were just like me once upon a time.  I hope this is my last career choice.  And while a new and used car salesman doesn't make as much commission as you would think, it is one of the only industries left in this country where a woman can really succeed and make some serious money, without a college degree.

I feel very satisfied and content in my choices, both romantically and professionally, and I truly am happy.  I feel more loved than I have ever felt in my life before, and with more honestly and genuine affection from  him  than I probably deserve.  With that being said, he would probably say the same thing about me.  We have been on a very interesting and intellectually fulfilling journey apart, but now that we are together our emotional fulfillment amps up every other experience, for we finally know we are not alone.  The love that others have run screaming from, we welcome and want from each other.  Crazy Girl Brain and Stupid Boy Brain are almost immediately defused in each others arms and our arguments are more debates and conversation than fights.  I feel like my entire life has been in preparation and practice to meet him.  Its not that our love diminishes anything we felt from past loves, it's more of a realization that we not only get each other on levels no one else has, or in some cases not even bothered to try; but that even at our worst, we still smile at each other and help each other through that time, instead of adding to the stress by fighting.  Old wounds are finally being healed, for both of us, by a sincere honesty  and deep respect and admiration for each other.  We find our time together precious and never enough, and like kids in high school or college, the minute we are apart we start to long for the next time we can steal away together.

It continues to  be amazing to me how some people cannot let go of things in their life that are outdated, or leave them unfulfilled, out of some kind of duty, or responsibility that they feel they owe the other person.  Nothing in more unsatisfying than waking up and realizing that your life is slipping away spending it with people that you no longer connect with, while the ones you want to be with, happily go on without you.  I know for some it is true duty.  But for others it is only a great fear of change and of being alone. And the saddest part of that, is that you may be ignoring your own perfect fit, by clinging onto someone that makes you so unhappy and unsure of yourself that your self esteem is in the gutter.  And you settle for this, because you don't feel you deserve or could have anything better.  I understand this, because I was this.  I lived it for many years in a marriage that had fallen apart around me, but I had not noticed his absence  until it was too late.  I didn't want to see that he was happier away from home, that his nights at work stretched into the wee hours of the morning, or that he would leave suddenly on errands that he never wanted to do before, or his alone time became much more important to our relationship.  These were all cleaver smoke screens for his real need to be with someone he loved more than me.  When I finally figured it out, without much help from him, it was very easy to divorce him.  Because if he really loved me, he would have told me the truth, even if it was painful, so that I could have moved on with my life and found someone that loved me as honestly as I was capable of loving.  Possibly without as  much emotional baggage to carry with me onto the next love.  Had I been a vengeful woman, I might have refused him any visitation, just for his lack of respect for our time together and our love...that once was more important to him than any other.

Life and love are strange and emotional journeys, and with my rocky past of abandonment and running scared, I have been loathe to try it again.  But with this man, I am not afraid to love again, to open my heart to the possibility that I not only deserve to be loved like this, but I can accept it, knowing, finally, that I am worth it.  No matter how many times they tell you, "It's not you, it's me."  You never really believe it, until another one comes along and proves it to you.  For those in my past, I believe you now.  For he has shown me how very special I really am.  And every day I believe it more, and fear less about him ever leaving me for someone else.