Sunday, April 21, 2013

Time - Floyd and Parsons

Time is not my friend today, nor was it yesterday.  I feel like the time I get to do the things I want to do is never enough, even while I'm doing them, I feel it racing away.  What's worse is when I end up wasting time by arguing or doing things I've committed to do, but no longer want to do them.  And haven't I always been the woman that said, "You must do what you feel is right." (thank you Obi-Wan) and "If you aren't enjoying something then stop doing it.  Life is too short."  And yet, here I am not just wanting...needing to use what little time we have together as positively as I can.   Trying to fill a lifetime in to two days or two hours, is very difficult.  Hell, it's impossible.  But I try.  I try to communicate, and I am misunderstood.  I try to change, and I feel like I'm making a mistake.  Change for me is both a very slow process and happens quickly.
"Plus ca change
Plus c'est la meme change
The more that things change
The more they stay the same"
                                         "Circumstances - Rush"

And so today I 'm going to reflect on what needs to be done within myself to not only remain happy, and fulfilled, but to remain true to myself.  You may think this is easy but it is not.  For I have always given in to the change as a necessary evil.  Something that needed to be done to save a relationship.  Now I'm faced with a situation where I'm not being asked to change, but to grow and learn together.  Something I helped to set in motion and something I've always dreamed existed, but never had.  And now that I have it, I'm so afraid of it, that I'm jumping to conclusions.  Accusing without reason out of fear from the past, and my experiences with men.  My perspective changes so quickly, and almost daily now, that I'm having a hard time trusting my emotions.  I feel both swept away and on guard.  Both exposed and vulnerable, and barricaded behind walls.  Worse yet, my actions are making a fragile situation even more so, and I am afraid to move or speak my mind for fear of facing heartbreak and illusions once again.  

My past is haunting me, and I know I can no longer run from it.  Facing it, healing myself from the pain I have caused myself, is my only option.  And yet, there are moments and days where I don't know how anymore.  Some days, I don't even care or want to try.  The thought of going back into a box of agreement kills my heart.  Kills my love.  Shatters my illusions.  And makes me just want to sleep until it all goes away.  One more piece of drama and I'm likely to do just that.  A grey cloud hangs over my future, making it difficult to see through.  I can see someone just beyond it, an outline, fuzzy but definite, reaching out to me, waiting for me to catch up.  And I want to reach out and come out of the fog, but I'm afraid to trust.  Anyone.  Yet the only other solution is emotionless unfulfilled relationships, and having tasted love and complete acceptance, even if it was brief, I"m hungry for it again.  I just don't know if I can survive it.