Sunday, April 14, 2013

I'm going to be very honest today with what is on my mind, and it is going to shock the people that are suddenly interested in my life and think they will get to know all about me via reading my blog.  I'm not going to talk about what I should talk about this morning, because I've already told the only person that matters what I'm feeling today, and why.   But I am going to set the record straight on what this blog is for, it's for me.  Its not a confessional, I don't believe in confessing publicly to heal, or to be forgiven, and frankly I don't need forgiveness from strangers, that may be reading this.  And my friends and family, well they don't see anything to forgive when I'm this happy and confident.  When  I say that it's for me, it's exactly that.  A way to get the CGB ideas out of my head. And on the page.  On the page I can see them, hear them, and believe that they are fears and nothing more.  And fear is the little death, fear is the mind killer...or some such quote that Frank Herbert taught me eons ago.

You see I like to write.  I use to do it every some form, weather in poetry, screenplays, novels, journals, somehow I'd write...but in the last three years, since my life has turned upside down, I've been blocked.  I haven't been able to put much of a dent in finishing the second draft of my novel, much to Mr. Practical's disappointment.  My personal romantic life and career has been, shall we say, up and down during this time period.  Trying to find a career, midlife, that I am good at and enjoy has been a hard road, and then there is the unfortunate timing of falling in love with a man, (or two?)  that I was willing to change my life and my morals for.  Again, no matter how this 'reads' I'm not bragging about my choices, far from it.  I'm talking about my circumstances...very different thing.  And hoping that with my open discussion, I can not only help myself, but my readers.  Especially if they are going through or have gone through similar situations.  Just to know that you are not alone in life, in what you are feeling and experiencing, can be the difference between depression and resolution.

This understanding that love can make you see things very differently than you had originally thought you could, is somehow both expected and unexpected.  I always expect my loves to be greater, as they occur, than the last love.  After all, if they didn't then I'd still be in love with that guy in high school that I married.  But we grow and change in our lives continually, if we are living life that is.  And in that growth we may have to change partners in our journey.  I know I have, many times.  See here is where you might think I'm bragging, but that's just your own thought...I'm not.  I'm actually very sad at the thought that I've had to change partners during my life journey.  That I couldn't have just had my entire journey with the man I've chosen now.  But then again, I wouldn't have been ready for him, then.  I had to get to this point, and I got here by doing exactly what I did. LIVE my life, in my way.  The exact same thing you do.  Live your life your way.

So before you sling arrows, (and I so want to name names here, but I wont)  before you call the kettle black, look at yourself and realize there are people out there that will think your journey is the wrong way to live, but they are wrong.   Because however you chose to continue 'into the woods' and live your life, even if like my life, the choices have been thrust upon you by loves that have left you 'halfway through the woods', its still your choice, and your journey.  And you must embrace your life as the star of your own mini movie.  If you think this is self-fish...look again.  Because it is not.  It is self love and self respect to make yourself happy instead of miserable.  This is your only shot at life, make sure that you do as Jim Morrison (or Val Kilmer in the movie) challenged you to do.

" The movie will begin in five moments, the mindless voice announced.  All those unseated will await the next show.  We filed slowly, languidly into the hall.  The auditorium was fast and silent.  As we seated and were darkened, the voice continued, The program for this evening is not new.  You've seen this entertainment through and through.  You've seen your birth, your life and death.  You might recall all the rest.  Did you have a good world when you died?  Enough to base a movie on?"