Sunday, April 7, 2013

The Calm Before The Storm

This week has been a good week again all the way around.  Sold another car yesterday, and am feeling like I know more and more what I am doing there.  Although I will never know it all, I am getting very educated about cars.  And my romantic life is still going along smoothly.  The only concern is that this month we are both going to be so busy with work and family events that we may not be able to see each other too much this month.  And by that I mean it will seem like very little to us but we will still get in at least a night or two each week.  Lately it's been four or five nights a week, and I love him so much for finding the time to do that.
I've been avoiding a topic because I don't want to discuss it here, but it weighs heavily on my mind.  And it has to do with respect and moral values and what the heart wants.

Its a fine line I walk between what I need to tell him and what I feel like I can tell him.  What things no longer are important from your past?  What things are?  Do I want to know everything...No...I can say that very honestly.  I don't.  Unless being with me trumps that past, then it's okay.  But I have a torch that I carry, for Mr. Hopeful, and I am so use to carrying it, that I'm scared I will not be able to drop it, when the time comes.  And yet this is something I must do.  I cannot and will not lead him on, and yet I find it very sad to think of my life without him in it in some fashion.  I'm hoping we can be the friends we always have been, but depending on his point of view that may be impossible.  I would have already discussed this with him, but he never has any time for us anymore, part of why Mr. Charisma was given an opportunity to fill that void.  And in the beginning I honestly believed that was exactly all he was.  How foolish of me to still not understand how I work, what I want, and believe that when I see it I will go after it, like I did with him.  Haven't I always?

Here I stand, with two trails laid out in front of me, and both look equally interesting, and equally hard to traverse, with wooded areas that block the path and twists and hills that I might not dare alone, but I know I won't be alone on one of them, on the other I most likely would be for most if not all of it.  And while I know I'd be happy on either, I'd rather not be alone.  And deep down inside I know I'm happier with someone along with me for the journey.  Isn't that what life is all about?  Having someone to share your life with, someone you love and can't get enough of, no matter what you are doing? Someone you are willing to change your life to be with, and grow with because it just feels wrong not to...?

I know I'm in love, (no matter how many times I try to talk myself out of it....hormones again...DAMN HIM for starting my clock again!)  and I know he is too (no matter how many times he thinks he should be alone and lonely to grow and figure himself out), and no matter how strange things get or how hard it may become from either side, I don't care as long as I have his hand to hold.  And know that he is always on my side and eager to listen and help.

I hate that this conversation has to happen, and yet I know once it can I will feel somewhat relieved.  I hope it turns out that he is too, and we can still be close friends who care about our lives, like me and Mr. Practical.  After all, you just don't know what the future will bring, and great loves never really die, they just adapt to what is needed at the time, and continue sometimes unknowing, softly supporting like a lovers whisper, sometimes heralded loudly like an overture.  But if its real, it never really goes away.  And believing this is the real reason I don't want to know every detail about his past.  I'm too insecure to know that he has loves like this too.  That his heart is just like mine in its ability to love deeply and forever, no matter who he is with at the time.  What we are both coming to grips in understanding is that all the past loves, while great, and wonderful, do not hold a candle to our love.  That's also the scary part.  The part that makes us both rethink so much of what we feel.  The good news is that it is only for a brief moment that we doubt not only how great we both feel we are, but how lucky we are that we love each other.  That we found each other.