Sunday, September 29, 2013

And The Wall Comes Crashing Down

Remember two weeks ago when I blogged that my gut was warning me?  I was right.  Turns out Mr. Charisma had a lunch with his pet stripper and didn't tell me before hand.  I always told him before I had a lunch with Mr Hopeful or That Guy, because I feel that telling him before hand he would know I had nothing to hide.  If I was sneaking around then I wouldn't tell him, right?  Turns out he thinks just the opposite, and that telling me beforehand would have thrown me into a jealous rage.  It might have, but I would have gotten over it, and it was worse hiding it from me.  Because she has always been the one I was the most afraid of losing him too.  He recently bought new frilly bedding too.  Hum....he says because he liked it, and hoped I would, but the timing of the lunch with her, the new bedding and suddenly seeing MY advice from March being correct (that he needs to date)  and wanting to be single just seemed too much coincedence to me.  Seems suspect.  So I reached out to her via email to get the real story.  I very calmly said almost the same thing I did to one of my ex husbands girlfriends when I confronted her.  "Hi, you don't know me but you know my boyfriend, Mr. C and if you are both in love and dating I'll step aside.  I don't want to give up on him, but I don't want to be in the way of his happiness or yours.  thanks for listening."  He says she penned a very thoughtful response saying that they were just friends and she didn't want to fuck that up, but when trying to send it, it disappeared.  And apparently she was way too busy to retype and send it.  I'm assuming, as a stripper, she might get emails like this a lot and probably ignores them all.  I never expect to hear from her and I wonder how he knows what she said.  Hiding is lying and he has lied before to me, but only once and with regards to her.  So trust is now an issue for me.  This is a huge issue for me, and when I lose trust in someone I have a hard time loving them.  I can be their friend, but I have a really hard time letting them in to the point that I need to feel loved from them.

So I broke up with him friday.  Almost two weeks to the day that he tried to break up with me to be single.  We are trying to be friends.  As a friend he has informed me that he is on his journey already.  Hit the ground running, I aways say.  So he is off to Appleton next Saturday night to try to rekindle a 26 year old crush with a high-school sweetheart that he could never close the deal with.  Apparently this is a demon of his that needs to be purged.  This passiveness he has about him.  Never going for the love that is offered to him out of fear of rejection.  Kind of makes the rejection happen if you don't try, doesn't it?  Self-fulling prophecy.  He believes when she caves, and of course she will cave (LOL  he may be in for a big surprise there).  He leaves on friday after work and is planning on coming back in time for work on Monday....sounds like a sex weekend to me.  That he will be on the road to recovery and being fixed.  That by seducing and bedding (as he calls it) a woman he never could close the deal with, he will feel....what?  something maybe?  Masculine?  Like a real man?  Or this is the love that got away and now I've tasted that and got that idea out of my head?  Or is he running to find true love....he said we have that.  or maybe he will feel that he finally got something he wanted instead of settling for the love that has been given to him. OHH that's not a good one.  That actually should make all of us that have loved him, feel as if we were an ok choice but not the gal he would choose if he could.  hum.  Now I kind of feel like even if this miracle ego cure of Appleton works, that I might not want him back.  I don't want to be the one he settles for....I want to be the one he runs back to.

So my grand experiment to let him go to find his happiness is backfiring on me.  But as That Guy said last night, "You sat in this chair 6 months ago when he told you he wanted to be exclusive and you predicted how this would end.  So don't get all surprised that it ended just like you knew it would."  He's right you know.   And that changed my outlook in a snap.  I knew it.  I knew better and I still let him fall hard for me and I let myself fall hard for him when he was not ready for a serious woman in his life.  When what he needed most was to play the field and have a woman by his side that was ok with that.  That wanted to be in his life so much that she could date other men and him and see what happened.  To get to know him and have him get to know her as a person and a woman.  SOUND FAMILIAR!?  Boy, you know I thought that was the job I applied for but I got this really fast promotion...I didn't question it at first, but now I kind of feel like I was being set up to I set my self up to fail.  WHY didn't I just keep him as a man I can date?  Will I never learn?  Now I may lose him forever while he finds his magic ego fixer.  And tries to erase all the wounds of rejection from the past.

I apparently wound him all the time with my tongue of biting sarcasm.  He does me too, and finally sees it.  We are trying to NOT change for each other anymore, because we changed into people we didn't like when we were together.  We were not true to ourselves, and we hated ourselves, and then lashed out at each others faults as a way to try to help us make it.  It was the wrong tactic.  And we know it, but we are afraid to be together, even though we still are in love, for fear that we will fall into these habits.  Well, he is afraid.  I am determined not to change again for him.  To be the woman he fell for...period.  I wish he wanted to keep dating me too, while he is on his journey.  I'm insulted and feel not worthy that he won't.  Like I've given him the deal of a lifetime.  You can have sex with me, with no commitments, and if you ever want to be serious again, I'm still in your life.  What a deal, right?  He doesn't think so.  So something must be wrong there in the equation.  Either he doesn't love me like he says, doesn't think I'm as great in bed with him as he has shown, or is afraid that he will just repeat old patterns and is not ready to accept this great offer.

Gee, I hope it's not for a limited time.

I hope I can still love him and allow him to touch me after he's experimented with Appleton, and however many countless others he may need to fix this.  I know what you are thinking....that I'm being played.  That this sounds like a really good scam.  That you wish you would have thought of it.  I almost with it were.  If he were a player I could put him in that category, like That Guy, and not be hurt by being one of many.  Just accept if I want to be.  But he is not.  He is really lost and unsure and fragile and beaten.  And I want to help because I still love him.  Yep.  I do.

So my task at hand is this.  Be his friend and let him go to find his happiness.  BOY am I getting tired of doing this for men I love.  And in my experience they don't come back.  Or if they do its complicated. I am willing to stand beside him, but he is afraid that if he talks to me as a friend it will hurt me.  It will, but it will also help me to make the best choice for me and not be played.  So somehow I have to find the strength to hang in there and watch and be his friend.  Now before you get all feeling sorry for me, I have made my own plans to move forward and date while he is dating.  The A Team is officially back in action with the last two nights with That Guy and tonight might happen as well.  Plus Mr. Confident texted me as soon as he read my Facebook, and we have a date on Monday and Mr. Hopeful, is, well, hopeful for Tuesday.  Even Mr. Practical whom I have not had the opportunity to exchange ideas with for over a month now, is trying to schedule some time to meet on line and catch up.  Sounds like I'm on my own journey.....I wish Mr. Charisma still wanted to be a part of the A Team.  And I wish I had never let them go for him.  I hope he turns out to be the right guy for me, but only time will tell now....and we both know how harsh time can be.