Sunday, September 15, 2013

Another Brick In The Wall

Wow what a night.  And not a good one.  I've come to understand that while I'm still very misunderstood by the people I love, I do still have a very good handle on my gut and my intuition is still almost dead on.  I'd go as far to say dead on now, but I don't have all the information I need to make that statement stick.  I do however believe I've been right from the start and almost all my worst fears are coming true.  Why I don't listen to my gut, I'll never understand.  Why I trust people and say to myself, "Well, maybe this time it will be different.  Maybe this one will prove me wrong," I'll never understand.

I get a feeling deep in my gut and it usually says, RUN...RUN NOW..FOR GOD SAKES JUST FLEE.  And I don't do it.  I toss my hair back, but my hands on my hips and become some cartoon character of myself and declare.  "AHA!  Not this time.  This time I will make it work."  And I forget the simple part of the equation.  I can't make anything work by myself.  It takes two make a relationship work.  It takes two to love and try to understand and to question without jumping to conclusions.  A trait I have been accused of doing, not trying to understand, not listening....me....the one almost all my friends turn to in times of trouble, because I listen and try to help....and I've bitten my tongue for so long.  I've let go the abuse I feel he does to me, and I can't even begin to discuss it.

He feels abused and attacked almost all the time because I have very definite opinions on things I both love and hate in this world.  Ive tried to explain that my opinions are not set in stone, no ones should be.  That I'm intelligent enough and flexible enough to have my mind convinced.  And he has brought a greater awareness to me.  I don't think he sees it, nor choses to believe that it has or will occur.  However I don't feel that I bring him anything but strife, grief, and stress.  I have been made to feel that by my mere stating of an opinion that I am abusive.  Because I can state my opinion with passion and feeling, and attach a negative statement to give my opinion validity, he feels attacked.  He also feels attacked when his behavior puts him in a category of things I hate in this world.  And why wouldn't it?  I hate that behavior and he has done it, or perhaps still wants to and that's why he feels attacked.

Let me state that opinion in another way you so you may understand with better clarity before you say, "NO WAY."

I don't feel attacked when someone declares that they hate, for example, smokers.  I was one, and really good at it.  Do I want to smoke again?  No.  Why?  Too expensive, too bad for my health, lots of reasons.  But I don't feel attacked when people say they hate smokers.  Because I don't want to be one. IF I secretly desired a cigarette, still....a long, sultry smoke, really wanted to be a smoker again, and was denying myself the cigarette, then I might feel attacked, because I fall into that category.  A category of people you hate.  Smokers.  I might take it as a personal attack.  But because I don't want that in my life anymore, I am not attacked.

I feel now, and honestly was afraid that I would, that all he really wants is a little carbon copy of himself, or of who he tried to make his wife be, but thinner, cuter, smarter, and dress better, to follow him around and agree with him and look at him like he is everything in the world.  ALL THE TIME.   Not just the times he deserves that.  And believe me, there are a million times he deserves that.  But he doesn't believe it.  He asks me why I love him, every time we fight. Like a fight is the end.  And accuses me of that behavior when I don't go there.  I feel trapped in a circle of him transferring old behavior that he gave to his wife onto me.  And only because a tone in my voice or an instant of expression reminds him of his parents fighting, and hits him in a core of hurt that I cannot cure, nor help.  I'm being slowly silenced.  (I'm sure many of you are saying.....'Not fast enough!  LOL' and 'THIS is silence?')

In fact I cannot help him with anything but love and understanding.  And I want to give that to him.  I practically begged him not to break up with me last night and figure out a way to work this out...and guess who I felt like?  Guess who I watched him do this to as his mistress?  And guess who I don't every want to be?  You got it.  The wife he left.

I'm fine with giving him what he needs, and I'm even fine with staying exclusive or being single and dating and having him be one of the men I want to be with.  But I don't want to be single.  I was loving having a man that I knew loved and cared about me and thought I was brilliant and sexy and loving.  And I feel like I've lost that.  That I'll only now be "just one of the gals he can love"  Because in his own words, I don't fit the mold of 'wife'  that he was putting me into.  I add 'YET' to that statement, he didn't.  He was the one that wanted this to go to the next level and have us come out to our family and friends.  He wanted me to be exclusive with him, and yet on Facebook he refers to me as a 'good friend', only so that he doesn't have to 'go into it with another circle of not very close friends about him leaving his wife'  wow....but he wanted to go public?  What part about this feels and sounds like what a Player would say?  What part about this makes me feel like I've come out, but he still hasn't because he's afraid of backlash or worse, not proud of me on his arm?  All sorts of things run round my head, most of which I use to believe were CGB.   I'm not sure if it will make a difference once he leaves me today and goes back into 'work mode'

I've agreed to not see him except on Saturday nights and Sunday mornings.  Because he was mostly afraid of losing that time with me.  That makes him sound like it's only about the sex but it's not. Its more than that.  Saturday night/Sunday morning is our only mutual day off, and very special that we choose to spend it together, even when beside ourselves with worry, doubt and broken hearts and egos.    Maybe it means more that we choose to stay together and try.

Two weeks ago I thought we were better than fine.  Now I don't know if we will make it.  The only thing I do know is I'm not a monster.  (he never said I was, but i feel I am.  I feel under a constant microscope of judgement and accusation....funny, he said others have felt like this from him too and he doesn't understand it)  I know I deserve to be treated with understanding and not made to feel that I'm the only one that should change.  He sees that he does double standards with me, but then still does them.  I'm being forced to concede that I've got a bad temper.  Surprise, I knew this and have been working on it all my life.  But my outbursts are 90% emotional shock at the stupidity of the situation that angers or frustrates me, and 10% real anger.  No one seems to understand that because of the tone of my voice, or choices that I make in words to say.  And I'll admit that when I'm frustrated or emotional or passionate about a subject or trying to have a discussion on an emotional topic, I may not have the best handle on my verbs and tenses and processes of speech.  Who does, that has real feelings attached, when frustrated?  I'll tell you who....a robot.

I'm not a robot.  I'm a passionate, loving, understanding, giving woman.  And I am not going to let anyone make me feel that I'm not.  Not for any reason.  Because to do that would be an injustice, and self destructive and not help me to change.  It's not romantic love.  And I don't want or need a daddy to raise me or punish me when I'm bad.  I am not blind to my faults, I'm quite aware of them and like I'm sure you do, you try to overcome them daily.  I have many more days where I don't blow up then when I do.  I have many more successes than failures in my personal journey.  And I'm tired of being misunderstood.  So I try even harder to be understood, rather than just fall into a shell of ignore it and it will go away.  Because THAT doesn't work.

He said he wanted to be single last night, that he believed that was the only road open to him.  He also said I saved us last night by helping him find himself, because he was lost.  I should be relieved and happy that I saved us, because I do love him, and I do want this to work.  Why do I feel like no matter what I do, he will take it wrong now?  He will not understand.  Why am I over thinking this, and making myself sick over his issues?  Have I been out of love so long that I just don't remember that this is what it feels like?  To be so affected by another emotions, that I reflect back his depression when he feels it, instead of just showing him what I feel and helping his depression.  Why can't I detach from his downward swings, like I would with a friend that I love, and give him the love and support and care he deserves.  Why am I so afraid of his mood swings that I reflect them back to him, or crawl inside my armor, instead of being true to myself?