New connections with familiar loves are very possible. You have to let down your defenses, no matter how you accomplish this, it must be done. Once your defenses are down, the next step is crucial. Listen. Listen with your mind, not your heart. Have your heart ready to feel, and give you important input, but do not let your heart be your guide in this. Especially if you are passionate. Especially if your emotions are like the ocean, forever ebbing and flowing, increasing in velocity until a gentle loving brush against the sand becomes a hurricane of fear bashing against the shore.
Your mind will be your guide and you will be able to reason yourself out of the torrent and into the eye of the storm. Where, if successfully listening to your intellect, you will be able to calm your emotions to a rational, and logical state of awareness. THIS is how growth is accomplished for me. This is how I handle immediate hurts and when I'm successful I do not blow up. When I am not, is when the storm comes.
This week I had several moments of clarity, in which old, and thought healed hurts, were revisited by comparison. My heart shut me down. Made me believe that because it felt like an old hurt it would BE a new one. Made me not trust, or even want to try. That's not because I'm not in love or trust him. It's because the old hurts were not healed. The old pain of being tossed aside for another were still very raw. Sad really, because I was sure I had conquered that. Sure my confidence was real, not armor. Sure that my ability to forgive and move on was real and not just 'what I should do.' Not just what he needed me to do.
I have always known that I chose men that found me attractive. That choose me first. I have come to understand this might not be the best way to find a mate. (laughing at myself here) But it has been fun in finding sex partners. Unfortunately I want more than just sex from my partners. I don't just connect with sex. I connect first with my intellect, then very, very firmly with sex. As an almost exclamation point to the wonderful mental connection I have already established. But why do I wait to see who choses me? Why don't I choose? I could say it's because I'm shy, but I doubt any of you that know me personally would agree with this. But it could be true. I could say it's because I'm afraid of rejection. That sounds more like me, as a writer, actress, lover...pretty much the entire risk categories of my hobbies. (I know that sounds bad, lover as a hobby...not sure I mean that, but DAMN when sex is good its fun, and hobbies should be fun. But until one of my lovers decides, once and for all, that I'm the one, I guess I have to consider all sex as fun instead of love....this saddens me, but it may be true. Not sure yet.)
I have found out, after having Mr. Charisma read my screenplay Regrets, that he does this too, and have done this in our past...choose only the ones that have chosen us first. And basically this has not worked for us. Now I know you are asking, how is this true? How can you be together if you both wait? Well the night we got together we both did wait. I saw immediately how much he was into me, and I let him continue to flirt and I flirted back, until I saw that he wanted to take me home....but he never closed the deal. He couldn't. I didn't know this then. All I saw was a player, a guy out on the town trying to hook up, while he told other gals that were texting him, that he was busy. Including his relationship at the time, boy, did I feel desired. At this point I felt he had chosen me, so I allowed it to go farther than I ever have with anyone else, publicly. (Yay! Slutty growth! Or if you watch Scandal, "We have a slutty President problem.")--But growth, none the less. He had no idea that I wasn't this way with all the boys. See the problem yet? Anyway, I finally closed the deal and we ended up at my place. For him that was me choosing him. So we both waited.
And now it feels like we are in love and both still waiting.
Waiting for the other to be who we think we know, and seeing the real person, not the images we met under, has been eye opening, intense, intellectual, growth inspiring, healing, painful, cathartic, sexually healing, hopeful, calming, frustrating, surprising, passionate, curious, probing, and honest.
I think all of that is worth keeping. And I want this man in my life forever. I just don't know how to make that happen. And my big brain keeps telling me that is good, because that will keep me interested and trying. And my big heart keeps telling me, its worth it.
cheers
ps. he liked the screenplay so much he wants to read the novel I wrote that inspires it...have to find it. And he is curious about the fantasy novel I was writing with Mr. Practical. Which I have e-mailed to him to read. And now I am wanting to write again. Stay tuned on this. This could be big.
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