Sunday, February 2, 2014

A New Path To The Windy City

I graduated from my group therapy on Friday, and this weekend in Chicago has been a very rewarding one.  Full of love and acceptance and joy at being able to help take care of two very adorable boys that I have the great honor to be called Grandma Jill.  These boys are 6 and 3/4th (he is very exact on this) and 1 years old.  And the children of a beautiful and intelligent woman that has always been the Daughter I Chose and her wonderful husband who I am proud to call a Second Son.  I have followed her life since she came into my life at 17 when she was dating my First Son.  And while they were not the best match for each other, she was and still is a great match to our family.  As a family we have been involved in each others lives as much as we can from a long distance.  I live in Wisconsin and they are in Chicago.  We have gone through falling in love and break ups many times together, on both sides, mine and hers.  We have suffered through the loss of her mother and my father together.  And we have celebrated the wonderful wedding to the love of her life.  In short since I met her I have known we would always be family.

They have made me an offer that my doctors, and family, and the friends I've had an opportunity to tell, agree with.  The Daughter I Chose has been after me since her eldest was born to be the live in nanny for them, but the timing was never right.  They know I have been depressed since the double dumping I endured over the last two years, and have sought treatment, which is working.  In fact it has worked so well that I know I can no longer do anything with my life that doesn't make me happy. And staying in a town where every street is a flashing memory of fondness that is swiftly followed by sadness is not acceptable.  I can't even look anywhere in my apartment and feel safe and that it's my space anymore.  All I have are bad memories now of the moments that I believed were tender and loving from Mr. Charisma and Mr. Hopeful; but were obviously lies.  They never loved me.  They were just using me to either get out of a bad marriage or to find some affection in a loveless marriage.  But IF they had loved me enough, they would have stuck with me while I got the help I needed.  It's their loss. For now with my meds I'm calmer, more rational, and less likely to explode over what seems to be nothing to everyone except me.  The hamsters in the wheels of my head have stopped running, for the most part.  And when they start I can calm them with skills I learned in group or at a last resort meds.

I have decided to accept this offer and become a nanny and help raise Ginger Snap and Little Sambo Baggins for my second family.  I will be living with them and making a modest salary and being able to give my experience and generation to another generation.  Much like my mom did for my First Daughter and First Son.  While I will be responsible for the boys when the parents aren't here, I will have time to write.  My first love.  And perhaps have enough time and be relaxed enough to actually get something finished and published.  My children are grown and going on with their lives and they know I will always be there for them as well.

Not everyone has been supportive.  One of my ex-husbands, Mr. Selfish has declared that I'm abandoning my 25 year old daughter and taking bad advice and want to discuss a different offer.  I shake my head but will call him to see what his suggestions are out of respect for our 30 year friendship.  I told him so that he would be aware if our daughter needed any extra support, not for his advice.

I know this will come as a shock to a lot of my friends and extended family, but I hope that they will be happy for me, instead of reacting like Mr. Selfish.  However I'm prepared for a lot of people thinking this is a spur of the moment thing, or that I'm running from my problems.  But what I need is a new beginning in a different city, where no one knows my past of the last three years, and where I can try to start again and finally do some things in my life for me.  I know I have a lot to accomplish before I can get back down here on the 13th, but it will keep me busy and focused and looking forward.  It will help me to be mindful instead of doing all the negative self talk that depression tends to dump on you and make those hamsters really run.  My hamsters are sleeping, or standing on the wheel...not even running anymore.  I never realized how anxious a person I was my entire life, how on guard, and jittery.  (obviously a carry-over from the rape, molestations, and fear of being controlled and manipulated again)  But what I didn't know, is that therapy could help me not only with the past events, but with taming my emotional state from it.

I only wish I had gotten help years ago.  I wonder how many friends and lovers I have pushed away by not being able to ever really relax.  But that is negative thinking.  It doesn't matter what could have or maybe even should have been.  What matters now, is that I can be in the moment.  And my future is coming at me at full speed, and I'm happy about it.    I've never been happy working for a living for a company or individual.   I was at my happiest raising my kids.  So now I get to help raise some more.  It's the best job in the world.

Cheers from Chicago.  :)