Sunday, December 29, 2013

About Me, Mr. Charisma and Miss Right.

It was recently brought to my attention on Facebook by a friend, (This is a friend of mine that is also a friend of Mr. Charisma's) that I should start fresh, and stop with the secret code names on my blog and never go back to a single person in my past or I'm doomed to repeat the process again.

Good advice, but not why I use secret code names in my blog.  I figure if I want to write about my life I can write anything I want, but I don't have the right to expose friends, lovers, people, publicly with information that could destroy their lives.  So I use code names for everyone.  Weather it is a humorous or good story or what some might consider gossip, or slander.  What I write here is my own feelings, and facts, perceptions if you will.  Which is all anyone can see, or write about.  When I started this blog almost four years ago now, it was meant as a healing process after Mr. Practical and I fell apart as lovers and started our incredible journey as very good friends.  And it has continued as a writing project, with a Sunday deadline, ever since.  An exercise in publishing, if you will, and making sure I never miss a Sunday.  I've even posted on vacations and I have missed only two in my four year writing career.  One at She Of Little Combat Boots house over July 4th weekend, and the other was an anniversary with Mr. Charisma.  Not the anniversary, but our first weekend away.

But he makes a good point in the reaching backward part, and with the exception of one, I haven't reached backward, and the other funny part about the A-Team, is with the departure of Mr. Charisma, NONE of them are lovers anymore. All good friends.  Even Mr. Charisma and I are working on the same path that was so successful with Mr. Practical and me.  Trying to keep something positive of us.

Now you may think it is insane to do so, but other than sex, which I can teach anyone how to do correctly for me, as I'm sure you can for you, what I miss most about Mr. Charisma is our deep and insightful discussions on life and humanity.  Oddly enough these mentally stimulating conversations would be the actual devices that started to tear us apart, but they were also what he claims healed him, and, "Cut out the cancers in him that he had ignored for years and made him able to be ready for Miss Right."  So he is leaving me with hope and love and joy that he met me and much happier than when we met.  I broke up with him because he has been drifting slowly but surly with me since March.  When he tried to break up with me then, my father had just died and his friends told him that was a bullshit move, so I believe he came back out of some kind of compassion.  Then the next time he tried to leave in September was purely because his love for Miss Right was becoming overwhelming, but he still didn't see it.  Still thought it was his Pet Stripper, or the Meth Head that got away, that he was pining for, and needing to chase answers with.  (All of this sounds like an attack when read, but it's NOT.  Its meant to be plot recap.  Just the facts...as I saw them)  So you can see how I was not really happy to take him back again.  I have been falling out of love and especially the trust part since then.  NOW  LET ME SAY THIS before anyone goes off... I don't believe it was intentional that he hurt me.  I don't believe that he knew he didn't love me enough since March.  I believe he wanted to very badly, because hey, where we were good we were great!  And no matter what he says, or more importantly doesn't say about Miss Right, I know she will never completely replace me.  She is more to him and he loves her greatly, he says.  I will reserve belief for when I am ready to accept them both as friends, like I did with Mr. Practical and his wife Mrs. Depressed.  (this is a temporary nick name as I am sure she will somehow, being married to such a good man, will find her way back to everyone that loves her.)  For now, as much as a part of me, a really big part, wants to unblock Mr. Charisma on Facebook, I know I'm not really ready yet to see pictures of them together and happy like we were.  I never go the chance to post pictures of us happy, mostly because he didn't want to be tagged in anything because of his kids.  Funny how now he is ok with it now...thats cuz he loves her more, and made her the new girlfriend daddy loves.  While I was always the mistress that broke up his family.  He could have controlled that better had he loved me more, but as he says, "I made a lot of mistakes with you that I will not make with her."  I hope he is right, but again....experience....once bitten twice shy.  Which brings me to why I did what I did next.

I did a chick thing that I'm not especially proud of but at the same time, the way it turned out, so far, I'm pretty happy about.  I contacted a friend of Miss Right's and told her a great laundry list of things that she can expect her friend Miss Right to go through with Mr. Charisma.  I mentioned a great many things that are true and in one respect kind of a deal breaker for me, two if my gut and third hand evidence is correct.  But see, that's the thing about perceptions....you can never be sure if yours is right until something bad happens.  Then you can believe the red flags and warnings.  I chose not to see them until my heart was already falling into him.  I did everything he asked of me, even the subtle changes, and the more he fell out of love with me the less any of it mattered.  And of course this made me irrational jealous, doubting, untrusting, afraid, and believed I was going crazy thinking he had met someone else....I was right....I just couldn't prove it.

Now I can, and now that he has given my fears validation, and incredible weight that had been holding me down for nine months is gone! Now that he has agreed that perhaps I am very right, and that was the pull he was feeling away from  me......driving him crazy but not knowing why, the slow falling in love with Miss Right.  (Sounds like me and Mr. Selfish, when he fell in love with the waitress and left his family)  Mr. Charisma feels that she is THE ONE.  :D  AND I'M A HOPELESS ROMANTIC.  Anyone that knows me at all knows this.  That I am the first one to step aside for true love.  And if he believes this is it, who am I to stand in his way?

Which brings me to me....I don't want him back.  This is huge growth for me.  Because for my entire romantic life I have fallen for men that have flirted and pursued me.  I had my head turned because a guy felt a stirring in his loins for my bod, or my mind, or both.  I wanted to believe that Mr. Charisma was the first guy I ever chose, but it's not true.  He started flirting with me long before I returned it, even if he doesn't see his swagger, smile, cute jokes guaranteed to make a gal blush as flirting....um, guess what, we do.  :)  so I have never really picked a guy that I didn't know for sure loved me, lusted after me, or wanted me on some level.  WAIT....I take that back....my first boyfriend, Mr. Closeted.  He came out one week before our senior prom.  I picked him.  And that was wrong too.

So I have stepped off the dark side path I stepped onto when I broke up with Mr. Charisma a week before Christmas.  And was further pushed down that path on Christmas Eve when Mr. Charisma told me that he was already in love with a gal he just noticed.  Not just met.  Important distinction in his favor, but one I still believe he noticed, just fought it for 9 months. (and guess what, kids, he thinks so too.  And this is a good thing.  I feel more centered when I can agree with someone that I'm connected with).  I'm back on the path of finding myself instead of revenge, or harming, or wanting him to hurt the way he hurt me.  Have I forgiven him for not loving me enough? Yes.  Have I forgiven him for not knowing what he wanted after a 19 year charade? Yes.  Do I forgive him for not 'getting me' or loving me as is, as others have? um....not sure on that one,  I think he looked for things to piss him off about me that he will accept in her.  Do I still want him to hurt?  Yes I do.  But I think he needs that too, and not the self inflicted kind he does to himself in his hermit mode or whatever self torture he deems is normal for growth. ( I hate that part, can you tell?)  I'm taking about real hurt, like what he did to me.  Out of your control, pride shattering, ego destroying, confidence bashing hurt.  I do not believe he has ever loved anyone enough for a break up to really be tragic and hurt.  And a part of me is happy to watch this unfold, and a part of me is worried for him...the best part of me is worried now for him.  If this is the first time he has ever really been in love....well we all know how the first time usually ends don't we?  And we all understand karma.  And we all know he has a lot of karma that is going to come down on him really harshly.

I actually feel with my lashing out and my reaching out very quickly afterward, that my karma is righted.  I warned her best friend so she could keep her eyes open for the inevitable changes that Mr. Charisma will put Miss Right through.  I hope I am wrong in assuming they will happen.  I hope he has left me for The One.  Because yesterday we were able to save most of the best parts of us.  We are talking and communicating and getting answers, now that we have nothing to lose, it's incredible because it's the truth.  No more hiding behind cleaver words, which he is so good at.  Its odd, but now I feel I'm finally getting the honest man I thought I was sleeping with all along.  The honesty I know I felt when snuggled safe in his arms before, and after and all night, was more consistent than his fully dressed mode of dissuasion.  Perhaps this is why people think that he is all about the sex, when in reality he is not.  He is misunderstood in this area, and having been on both sides of that couch, I know where he is vulnerable and where he is stronger.  And more honest.  If he has given me up for a woman that is not The One he will find it difficult to be my friend only.  And believe me, that is the only thing on the table now.  Friendship.  Like what I have with Mr. Practical and That Guy.   I know it seems odd to want him as a friend when I still have trust issues.  But I may always have the trust issues, and I still have many friends.  I will continue to be able to work on those issues with my friends, and in all honesty, Mr. Charisma and I think so differently on a basic level, it never would have worked as lovers, but it works as a challenging friendship that will never lie to you or let you get away with your bullshit.  THIS WE BOTH NEED.  LOL and we agreed yesterday, that may have been the whole reason we met.  Being his mistress for 5 months of our year and two months relationship was the best part and the part I'm not proud of, but went into it knowing he wanted a future with me.  In my gut way before he said it.  The rest of the 9 months was him tearing me down and me building myself back up into someone I didn't know anymore.  And me tearing him down and  e building himself back up into a man he likes much better than the man I met.  Its sad really that Miss Right gets to benefit from all my hard work.  :D

I hope someday to be both their friends, with or without a man on my arm.  I hope I can handle seeing them together and knowing that it's not that I am not and was not wonderful and awesome for him and for me, but that he just met someone that fits better.  I can't be bitter about that, that has happened to me, with my second husband, in moving on to my third husband.  I even fell in love with my second husband very slowly, like Mr. Charisma did with Miss Right.  I wonder if she knew way before he did, like I did.  I hope someday to be able to compare notes with her, years from now when I'm much more strong.  I'm not unblocking him just yet.  And it's not because of him, it's still me and my fragile heart.  I've made such progress in the past 24 hours,  I don't want it ruined by random happiness.

Wish me luck on my new path.  I feel very excited and joyous on it.  And thank you to all my kids and family members and friends that reached out to me during the last 11 days.  They have been very rough, but very important parts of my journey for they have set me onto my next adventure, and it's already started.