Sunday, February 23, 2014

Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda

This morning as I was drinking coffee and reading Post Secret a couple of the secrets jumped out at me.  The first was a bright red post card that simply read:  "I have forgiven the boy that molested me, because I know someone molested him."  That thought had never crossed my mind with my rapist, even though I have been very proud of not being a molester myself, having been molested.  But now that this thought is brewing in my mind, I can't help but wonder if that was why he felt like I should enjoy it.  If that is why he said that his adopted step sister liked it.  It has given me a lot to think about and reflect upon.  Perhaps this is the way I will be able to forgive him.

The second one was:  "Even though it has been one of the most stressful times of my life, and I have been really unhappy.  I actually feel like now I can see where I need to be.  I'm going to be okay."  This one filled me with hope to be validated by another's thoughts.  Just to know I'm not alone.  Group therapy was like that, and Post Secret has always been a site where I could sit, in quite, and read and think.  Most of the time I'm thankful that the secrets I read are not mine, but every once in a while, they can hit close.

And while I am happier now that I have been in a long time, and am feeling fulfilled in helping raise my grandkids, there is still something missing from my life.  Something that recently had been awakened like a sleeping dragon, in my heart.  My thirst for love, my desire for companionship.  I started on this path in 2010....four years already?  With Mr. Practical awakening my desire to flirt and meet new people.  It was a magical meeting when we took our online discussions into real life....or should I say real time.  On line flirting is real.  Don't let anyone tell you any different.  It's a gateway drug to actual sex.  And while I wouldn't trade our four days together for anything, it was the beginning of a three year disappointment in love, and men, that got better with Mr. Hopeful and then much worse with Mr. Charisma.

I have moved, physically and emotionally from those three years, and am still close friends with Mr. Practical.  I do not want to be friends of any kind with Mr. Charisma, so that's on track.  But Mr. Hopeful, I miss.  We parted as the best of friends, and while I understand that we are all very busy, my other friends have found time to message me with good wishes and communication on their lives.  I like sharing my life with my friends, and feel so disconnected when it doesn't happen.  I try to reach out, but when I hear nothing back, I lose my confidence.  I start to get the feeling that maybe I shouldn't try.  That maybe he would rather that I was just gone.  And when I do that to myself I become very sad.  I'm looking at a picture of us right now where he is holding me and one of his friends is standing beside us ...we were so happy.  If I had a time machine I'd go back to that day, and I'd change my mind.  But this kind of thinking is exactly what therapy taught me was negative.  No matter how many warm fuzzes I may get from remembering us, it is the worst thing I can do.  What I need is our friendship.  How to move forward as friends.  But I'm sad about it because I have very little communication from him, and he seems always too busy to talk.

The experienced woman in me says to leave it alone, if he really wants to be your friend he will reach out again.  But the Crazy Girl Brain in me is not very patient.  And tends to react in a childish way, instead of an adult, or nurturing way.  I try to give myself all kinds of excuses as to why he is open to a friendship, but then still seems gone from me.  And of course all of the scenarios I can come up with are just that....Imaginations.  Nothing in fact.  And as a writer I have a pretty good imagination.  Or as Han Solo would say, "I can imagine quite a bit."

Out of all of my friends I miss him the most.  And I believe it is because there is a lack of communication.  I hope he still reads my blog, and I hope he will try to message me off line, just so I know he is still there and wants to listen.  I can't shake the feeling that he is.  But I'm so afraid.  You see my year with Mr. Charisma has blown my confidence all out of whack.  And while I used to be so strong that if a man ignored me I didn't care.  There were so many other men out there, ready to give me the attention I wanted, needed, or felt I deserved.  Depending on the relationship status.  :)  But see, my problem is that I'm still in love with Mr. Hopeful.  So while I can and have let him go, because that what real love does.  That doesn't mean that I don't miss him every day.  Or think about him every night....when it's quiet.

I look at the framed pictures of my family and friends that I've surrounded myself with, and I wish I had had the strength to make different choices in my life.  I understand that those of you that are religious will say, "You are where you are supposed to be in God's plan;"  and as a preacher's kid I get that.  But I also have to say, I wish where I was supposed to be was with him.